KopyNPaste

Proud of Myself

2009-10-05T23:15:00.004-04:00

I did something this weekend that was more important than all of my accomplishments. It was more significant than graduation, buying my own house and starting my own business. It was smarter than any Jeopardy clue I've remembered, or any marketing plan I've cooked up.

I prayed in spite of.

I have never been a big church person. I am saved, and loved the Lord, just like anybody else. And I yelled and cried to God when I was sad and upset. But I had never used my faith, really. To quote Medea, "The last time I prayed was when I seen a cop in my review mirror."

Well, that wasn't exactly true. My boyfriend and I had been praying together and asking God to remove and reveal anything that was keeping us from being closer to Him. My goals have been changing slowly, from focusing on business, money and happiness....to being closer to God.

This weekend tested it all. Sometime Saturday morning, while most were fast asleep or hungover (which I planned on being) I was in the hospital, diagnosed with lymphoma, with talks of starting chemotherapy on Wednesday. This couldn't be happening. I am 28 years old, maybe not in the best shape...but a vegetarian. Sure, I stupidly started smoking about 6 months ago, but I felt I could stop that any day. I couldn't have cancer.

I cried and panicked. My life unlived flashed before my eyes. I don't have any kids. I don't even have money to pay for this ER visit. I have so many people I need to forgive. So many debts to be paid. I never been to Europe...or New York City. I haven't seen my Grandmother in months. I have nothing to leave as a legacy. I can't be dying.

So I started praying. I didn't ask God for anything. I just kept saying "thank you God" over and over in my head. My brain was in full panic mode. But something in my spirit was thanking Him anyway.

One day later my prognosis changed from cancer to pneumonia. Two days later, I am out of the hospital, in no pain.

I don't know what physically has happened to my body. But my mind, my spirit is changed. You relationship with God is not always this mystical, poetic thing. It is super practical. A pastor recently said, you have to stop being so emotional about your relationship with God, and get it in your head. If you believe in God and what He says, you just have to incorporate it into everyday living, in spite of any situation.

I am proud of myself for applying the Bible to my real life. I can't quote you Bible verses word for word. But I can do what God wants me to do. I think He is proud of me too.

to his mistress

2009-09-28T23:19:00.003-04:00

I'm not saying I can never forgive you. I just need to say this first.

I was you, five years ago. Young, desirable, creative. I had men at my doorstep and baggage in my bedroom. I took no prisoners and asked for no histories. I bumped into so many relationships and never worried about the bruises I caused. Because nobody's bruises were like mine.

I am forgiving you because I do not believe that my man was the first, nor would be the last in your life you will use to mask your own insecuruties. I am forgiving you because in your youth you tried to do the impossible; you attempted to be someone you could never be. Me, in my happy relationship.

I am hopeful that as a woman, you learn someday that disrespecting another woman is a painful, embarrassing mirror that only puts you in a position to reinvent the pains you are already feeling.

I am hopeful that as a woman you decide to put your self before your pussy, your pain, your horniness and your power over men. That is a lesson that is slow to learn but will give you instant happiness.

I know you. Not because of our many hours together. Not because of your quiet disclosures about your life and your past. Not because we now have dick in common. I know you because that scared little girl peeking out behind all that pretend sexiness has a universal name and face. She is so many women competing for the hearts, mind and money of so many broken men. She pretends to be solace to an aching penis. She hopes that her trists will one day bloom into commitment.

That girl used to be me. But one day I decided that my life would not be a series of other people's dick. I decided I needed me whole, and didn't want to give away anymore parts of me anymore.

But you haven't been hurt enough. You haven't felt enough of another woman's pain to keep your pain to yourself. You haven't taken enough risks in love that have failed miserably. You haven't hit rock bottom. So you will continue to make mistakes until you learn how to love you.

You can never be me. You can never write enough poems and articles. You could never get your makeup just right. You could never be attractive enough to my man for him to want to leave me. You can give him all your pussy, but you could never have his soul. I know what it is.

There is no replacement for real love. When you try to replace it with cheap imitations, life rejects it. I'm not perfect. Neither is he. And neither are you. But please learn to keep you imperfections to yourself until you find someone to who wants to deal with it.

If I didn't want to really forgive you, I couldn't have written all this. I am just telling you the things one of my exboy's women should have told me years ago.

poems at 3:28AM

2009-01-28T03:28:00.002-05:00

i don't want to leave you
i want to look into your face
remembering every crevice and scar
left by impatient teenage hands picking at imperfection
you are so imperfect
so customized
so scarce
i can only remember you for being gone
you aren't here enough

i don't hear you enough
because i don't listen
i don't relish in your every word
i don't roll around in every syllable
like i should

i can't help but to drown right now
in sleepiness
because i can't take my eyes off of you
my fingers so creamy with each caress
i lick your slickness before it dries
i miss you when you are here
because i know you will be gone soon

if only i were fit
if i exercised you more
if i called upon you
in sickness and in health
i need you more
than food and shelter
i covet you more than
peace and quiet

at 3;28AM
on one of the coldest nights in january
with no other priorities
i jerk you off
until no more words cum

fight/love

2009-01-28T02:52:00.002-05:00

she called me too much today
not enough yesterday
cried when the plains of my patience were flooded
and was barren like the desert when i needed a cool friend
it's not the end
even though the days since we spoke last
outnumber the days we've talked

we loved like girls
rigorous and conditional
she hated inconsistencies
hated that i smoked cigarettes because of boys
calmed me when i drank too much and cussed too loud
collected buckets of tears, each labeled with new boys' names
i hated when she acted yet didn't listen

we fought in the night
in silence and secrets
in resentment hanging over each others heads
like trap doors holding spears
aimed at an intruder's heart
i hated that her beefs were old and rotten meats
that had been thrown out years ago
why did she go to junkyards
follow past transgressions to swap meets
find the worst of me i discarded
and bring them to my doorstep?
she hated my jeans and t-shirt attitude toward love
i was too casual

we fought and loved but always remembered to love
but now im not too sure
that love was at the root of our love
i passively pulled
she aggressively tugged
at the right to have dominion over one another

i called her so much one day
my hoarse voice was muted
she answered so much the next
my ears are bruised
i don't know if either one of us
is dignified or polished enough to be christened with the title
"best friend"
compromises sometimes are like
answers to tests
when you don't know the question

miss me

2009-01-28T02:12:00.007-05:00

the day was calm
the wind swarmed between
my arms and billowed
my new white cotton
blouse
i was sitting on the porch
outside my house
money's tight and
i was without a couch

he called
he took baby steps
made even smaller talk
he simmered with emotions
he fought his thoughts
he asked in spite of his hesitation
"you miss me?"

i brought laughter from a place
darkened by shame
reddened by hate
chuckles that were watered by wet eyes
giggles that were buried in lies and matured out of cries
i took a drag off my joint and pictured his eyes
he was squinting with fear,
i imagined
the smell of hyacinths filled my senses
smoke and flowers colored my response
"why"

"nevermind," he replied.
"I hope everything is cool with you and your guy."
the wind picked up but not for long
before i decided if i wanted to push the subject
move on his question like wind through plastic bags
i took another drag and
dead tones were on my phone
that and the songs of wind chimes
outside my semi-suburban home

just like when he was here
he was gone

Full of Excitement/Not One Lull

2009-01-28T02:02:00.003-05:00

"We like Ruby Dee and Ossie, Martin and Coretta, doin' it to death no one do it better, when we leave our physical our spirits still together."
Gettin' Up by Q-Tip

jacks

2009-01-28T01:29:00.005-05:00

he scattered covered smothered our hearts
across grounds across yards
but there was no play
just girls jagged shooting darts
all in hopes
to be a part of the game

he had balls
that he bounced between gems
all of them lovers
a few of them friends
he juggled more than any of his brethren
carried all his eggs in one basket
which made him a legend

sometimes he'd pretend he wasn't taking
advantage of them
he'd gain fans and mesmerize
the most glamorous sharped-edged spikes
into laying in his eyesight
girls hoping to be onesies
settling for twosies
often times so woosie at being swooped into his hot, greasy palms
it would happen so fast and wouldn't be long, no

he scratched his knuckles to snatch me
sometimes he had an achey back or ashy knees
sometimes i rusted on playgrounds just waiting to be seen
others were easier to hold simultaneously
he scattered me so far one time i never came back
i layed in green mangers until i was nearly buried, sometimes attacked
but one day i grew legs
turned rusted angles into angel wings
and flew away from childish things and
charming kings maurading as princes

he never grew up and
shot craps
he never gambled with one love
and closed gaps
he surveyed the fields and
kept his pockets fat with
girls who weren't dumb
girls who weren't ugly
but girls who were comfy
being asphalted until grubby-handed game players
take their pick
regarding these jewels as if they were sticks

scary new orleans

2009-01-22T01:55:00.001-05:00

so right now im in new orleans...this city is creepy as fuck. me and my boyfriend damn near got jacked in the french quarter tonite. this is after hearing about people getting killed a couple weeks ago. then the whole vibe here is just eery. people said i would feel it getting off the plane. neverthless, im not going to give up on new orleans yet. tomorrow (during the day) im going to try something cultural...and try not to be freaked out...

advantages

2009-01-11T12:45:00.001-05:00

what are the advantages of being me in this time, in this family in 2009? am i using my advantages or waiting for 'what ifs'?

everything

2009-01-07T00:31:00.001-05:00

why do we even expect perfection? i know it is good to strive, but do we really expect for everything to be neat at all times? taking that aspect out of all of the equations should solve all the problems right?

i wish i could change my mind. i wish i could flip a switch from avoiding things to wanting to experience things. i wish i wasn't so scared and timid. i wish i wasn't so scared of failure.

i wish i didn't have this need for perfection in order to move forward. i wish other peoples' opinions weren't so crippling.

i need to accept that there is no juggling act in life. you are just managing what's manageable at the time being. the minute you've got control of ups and downs, everything topples over. it's nothing more you can do to prevent being overwhelmingness when it is your time.

i guess the best way to manage it is to realize 1. you are not the only one and 2. it could be worse...i guess that's the best way.

running

2009-01-04T23:00:00.002-05:00

two women. one of whom i've never seen. haunt me. everyone insinuates. that i don't want to be like her. i don't even know who she is. maybe i'm too much like her already. maybe it's in my eyes, or the things i say. maybe it's the way i handle things.

i have to admit that my thought process is atypical. my goals and life plans are different from girls my age. i'm not looking to climb some corporate ladder, though i could. i'm not looking to become a mother before i'm a competent woman. many time i sit in my room, just thinking. some could view that as laziness, or depression. the silence is golden to me.

maybe my grandmothers were atypical. they both drank too much. maybe they drunk just as much as i do. maybe they spent a lot of time processing other people's words and moves. maybe they were super sensitive like me.

maybe there were times when the phone rung too much. they were on deadline and had too many things to synchronize. maybe, when they didn't know how to say things, they secluded themselves and didn't say anything. maybe they never told anyone their feelings, and they became so full that alcohol was the only things that flushed them out.

i don't know how much i am like my grandmothers. i am running from their destiny as i try to carve out a little something for my life. i want to be free yet tangiable. i don't like want to be all up in my own head all the time. but it is who i am. maybe i shouldn't run from who i am or try to change who i am destined to be.

i don't know if i am running from their legacies or running into my fate.

xmas isnt so bad...

2008-12-25T21:06:00.001-05:00

...it was different...but not bad...i'll be happy to get back to work tomorrow.

sorta alone at christmas

2008-12-25T15:48:00.001-05:00

my house is empty. there is a whole buch of food but nobody to eat it all. i've never been so alone on christmas. my parents need their space...and i am giving it to them. everyone is catering to someone else. i wish someone would cater to me.

i am glad i am a christian. i am glad that i have a boyfriend who loves me. i am glad i have a sister who gives me unconditional love. i am glad i have parents who expect so much of me. i am happy with the meal i prepared. it was fun. i don't have any regrets so i'll stop moping on Jesus' birthday.

polite or real

2008-12-23T00:30:00.001-05:00

2009 is already setting itself up to be a year of big changes. not just for our country and our world...but for the individual. hapiness is no fleeting, whimsical rhetoric that is only reserved for the lucky and the skinny. it's for me. it's for my family. it's for the hesitant and the reluctant. it's for those settled and those in pain. sometimes those groups of people are the same people.

i am an anticipate of what reality is and what it will bring. reality is unknown and far away. it is like a mountain i've seen in photographs...a rainbow i've only seen on tv. but is in a world that is able to be reached. and i'm searching for it. i am ready to dig into the rugged terrains of my fears, my hopes, my secrets in order to do something that could change my whole life.

i want to remove the word polite from my category. i want to be tactful and real.

detachment

2008-12-22T17:52:00.002-05:00

"Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgment or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching. It is simply a means that allows us to separate ourselves from the adverse effects that another person's alcoholism can have upon our lives."

testing, testing

2008-12-16T23:11:00.001-05:00

123

feeling virginal

2008-12-09T23:15:00.003-05:00

I made it through the wilderness
Somehow I made it through
Didnt know how lost I was
Until I found you

I was beat incomplete
Id been had, I was sad and blue
But you made me feel
Yeah, you made me feel
Shiny and new
Like A Virgin by Madonna

Believe it when I tell you. One day, you will meet a guy who will make you wish you were a virgin. He will make you wish you were inexperienced. So that every experience you have of passion, love, adoration would be with him and only him.

One day, you will met a guy that will make all of your prior sexual experiences obsolete. The good ones, the bad ones...the ones that didn't mean anything, yet still left you feeling empty inside.

One day, you will meet a man that will make you wish you weren't a freak. He will make you wish you weren't using sexual techniques that you learned from other men.

When you are alone, it's so hard to hold out and think about the future. When you are just drifting between lovers, it's thrilling to be able to make a man react with your sexual skill. It's nothing to strut around in a sexy outfit, or do something new with your tongue.

But real love lets you know that all of that means nothing, when there is no feeling behind it. It's like scoring baskets with no points.

Barack Obama Election story

2008-12-01T02:35:00.001-05:00

Mr. President

By Donna Marbury
Contributing Writer
Columbus Post

From England to Denmark – from France to Australia – from California to Florida – Tuesday night, the whole world celebrated "Change."

In Columbus, Ohio, The Renaissance Hotel downtown hosted a cheering crowd that celebrated Barack Obama's win as the 44th president of the United States. More than 500 Democrat supporters packed into the hotel on all floors, and roared at 11 p.m. when Obama was announced the president, and cheered even louder as his opponent, Senator John McCain, delivered his concession speech via satellite.

Obama's hometown of Chicago hosted more than 125,000 at Grant Park, with a crowd that included early Obama supporter Oprah Winfrey. During his acceptance speech, Obama was hopeful, and aimed to bring together the country in this time of war and economic turmoil.

"If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer," Obama declared to a roaring crowd.

"It's the answer that led those who had been told for so long, by so many, to be cynical and fearful and doubtful about what we could achieve, to put their hand on the arc of history and bend it for another day," Obama said. "At this defining moment, change has come to America."

Obama, 47, will be the first president born outside of the continental United States, being born in Hawaii to a Kenyan father and a White mother from Kansas. He graduated from Columbia University and Harvard Law School serving as the first Black president of the Harvard Law Review. He moved to Chicago in 1991 to serve as a community organizer, and was elected to the Illinois Senate in 1997 and elected to the U.S. Senate in 2004.

Most of the country was introduced to Obama in 2004 when he gave the keynote speech for the Democratic National Convention. In 2007, Obama announced his candidacy for president, and beat well-known Senator Hillary Clinton in a long primary race. He raised more money than any candidate in U.S. history – more than $600 million – all while turning down public financing. Obama handily defeated Republican Senator John McCain, winning in battle-ground states like Ohio and Virginia which historically vote Republican. At press time, Obama had secured 338 electoral votes, needing only 270 to win.

McCain conceded Tuesday night in his home state of Arizona, to a crowd of his own long-faced supporters. "America today is a world away from the cruel and prideful bigotry of old times. There is no better evidence of this than the election of an African American to the presidency of the United States," McCain said.

Generations of families voted together in Ohio during early voting, and some accounted Obama's unique campaign strategy for uniting old and young to energize the vote. Using text messaging to announce rallies, and even his vice president, Senator Joe Biden, Obama tapped into young voters, with use of technology, and tapping some of the biggest names in music and Hollywood to rally voters. Just one day before Election Day, entertainers Jay-Z, Sean "Diddy" Combs, Beyonce and Mary J. Blige rallied voters at the King Arts Complex in Columbus.

Obama's historic win as the nation's first African-American president was sentimental to many central Ohio politicians and supporters. Governor Ted Strickland was the first to announce that Obama had one the state of Ohio, and was the first Democrat to win the state since Bill Clinton in 1996. "We have come together as a people and broke the barrier of race. The country is strong and unified because of what happened in Ohio and in this country," Strickland said.

Columbus Mayor Michael Coleman sent congratulations to Obama as he addressed the crowd who chanted Obama's campaign slogan, "yes we can." "What an incredible night for the country, state and city of Columbus. It marks that our state is ready for change. I'm so proud of Ohio tonight," said Coleman.

William Anthony, chairman of the Franklin County Democratic Party, remembers working on Shirley Chisholm's and both of Jesse Jackson's presidential campaigns. "The Obama push helped turn our state blue," he said. "I can't even describe how much this means. It's about time. And it couldn't have happened for a more deserving guy."

With more than 1,200 neighborhood leaders in Ohio, and 80 offices in the state, Obama volunteers took the win personally. Stephanie Spaulding worked 12 months for the Obama campaign, switching hats from a line manager, working phone banks and canvassing neighborhoods. She even traveled out of town and used all of her vacation time at work to help spread Obama's message. "I used to have to fight just to go to school and get a minimum education. But to see this, and after all this work, it was worth it."

http://www.columbuspost.com/news/headlines368.htm

u r a monster...

2008-11-23T14:16:00.003-05:00

the first goal i am setting for 2009 is to stop drinking. no martinis. no mojitos. no wine. well...maybe a little wine. but not for a long while.

drinking makes me turn into a monster. i hate the way i feel when i drink. i used to love feeling carefree and loose. now i just feel like an out of control drunk girl.

it makes me think immediately and not rationally. it makes me angry. it makes me sick. it makes me fat (i think).

and i think it's getting in the way of my creativity. and that is everything to me. so i want to see how it feels not to drink. maybe i'll be more focused, less sore and sick, more energetic. less angry and irrational. a toast a new year's and i'm done. no more drinking for me.

now smoking...that another issue..

my favorite boy...besides the obvious

2008-10-29T15:12:00.002-04:00

how do I love Q-Tip...let me count the ways. he is smart. he is witty. he is weird. he is artsy. he is soulful. he has staying power (musically at least). he is eclectic. he is vintage, yet futuristic. he is well-versed. he is hip hop, up and down. he is like my old school common. but takes himself way less seriously. he has a new album out. he is my favorite boy, besides my obvious favorite boy.

Soundtracks

2008-10-27T00:31:00.004-04:00

I asked him, "whose music
do you make love to?"
He said, "Mine"
But it wasn't trumpets, cymbals + drums
It was my breaths, his sweat our hearts
See
Young lovers
Those forcing sex synthetically
Instead of organically
Mask sex with frills, thrills +
Soundtracks
Other peoples pain and passion on mixtapes
Create moments universal but not unique
But real lovers hear the
Melody of their partner's motions
And make that their favorite song
Every tone + thump
Each squish + squirm
Become the chorus to a never ending groove
No Isley Bros, no baritoned balladeer
Compares
To the songs we make inadvertently
Adventurously
Attentively
I know when to press play
And let the soundtrack of our love
Create itself

The Vibrator Graveyard

2008-10-25T12:28:00.005-04:00

There was the pink butterfly. The purple elephant, less than one year old. Various caps and accessories of bright and feminine colors, some melded together by heat and time. See, this lifelike plastic "skin" isn't supposed to rub together. Only on clits. Maybe they bonded in protest to what was about to happen.

I just cleaned out my box of sex toys, formerly known as the Vibrator Graveyard. Toys and trinkets I had enjoyed for the past few years, who have seen their day, needed to be thrown out. Why keep a vibrating elephant who could know longer trumpet? Why keep my butterflies who know longer flutter? And why clutter my sex toy chest with worn out toys. It was time for them to go.

What would the trashman think, unloading bags and coming across one ful of used and abused play things, some stuck together?

I made room for my new toy. It is a sleek and pink bullet, with no skin-like plastic; no pretty animals making their rounds up and down my soft spots. I must admit, it's not as pleasurable as my pretty deceased animals that i just got rid of. And it probably won't last as long, knowing how I have a 6 to 9 month shelf life with most sex toys. Once the bullet has been shot, I will be going back to a rubbery blue dolphin, or perhaps a pink hummingbird. Animals on sex toys seem to be the only ones I like!

sometimey

2008-10-20T03:44:00.002-04:00

it's been a week out of work. and i'm waiting for clarity. i want to shed all these constraints and stresses over my life. and live in this moment of privilege. this moment of youth.

i feel restricted right now. i have huge commitments. my house. my man. my hype. i don't know what i want to take with me on this big journey. i don't know what the journey is.

i can't loosen up as much as i want to. with the shedding of one issue (working full time), begets several more. commitments definately aren't what they are cracked up to be. i guess they are the boy scout badges of adulthood in america. accumulating strings ha bind one to jobs and familes equal maturity. the more jobs, the more cars, the more kids and husbands one accrues, the more active of a citizen they are.

me. i am sometimey. i like the idea of a lot of things. i like to imagine simplicity, complexity. but i'm not sure if i want to partake. i don't want to have to be pro or against anything right now. i just want to soak up and experience. how much does that job pay?

thought for the day, part one

2008-10-03T13:57:00.001-04:00

"By believing passionately in something that still does not exist, we create it. The nonexisentence is whatever we have not sufficently desired." Nikos Kazantzakis

Paris, Tokyo...or Columbus??

2008-09-30T10:25:00.003-04:00

"Let's go to sleep in Paris/ And wake up in Tokyo/ Have a dream in New Orleans/ Fall in love in Chicago"

So I've finally done the thing I've bitching about for the last couple years. I quit my job. My last day is two weeks from now.

My boyfriend is supportive. My friends are a little bewildered. My parents, in the words of Will Smith, just don't understand. But they are finally starting to understand my weirdness.

My exit strategy is built on my performance. With my knowledge and skills, I believe I can make as much, or as little money as I want. Since I've hooked up with my boyfriend, I have been given more opportunity than I ever have. People that I've wanted to work with, and things I've wanted to do have just been falling in my lap. He is super talented and gives me carte blanche when putting together marketing strategies for his music.

Quitting my job wasn't solely about him. It was about about really utilizing my talents and and believing in myself. But a lot of it was, that I believe that me and him together, focusing solely on our hearts desires, will be one of the most fulfilling things I could do with my life.

The question I've had the hardest time answering is the most obvious: "So what are you going to do?"

We've contemplated moving. Don't know to where. There will definately be more touring on his part, which means more money for me, and more networking. There will be more writing, more crazy ideas. More CBUSTED type things. More PR things. More Donna Marie things.

I look forward to attacking my ideas with the intensity they deserve. I look forward to going to Europe really soon. I look forward to getting married. I look forward to not devoting my whole day to ideals I don't subscribe to. I look forward to learning a multitude of things, and not being tied down to one thing. I do PR, yes. I also write stories and music. I have a class I will be teaching. A couple Websites to develop.

This is just the beginning for me. My heart and mind are full with love and possibilites!

It IS Trickin If You Got It

2008-09-30T09:39:00.003-04:00

Rappers are running around, giving ill advice to men. Shit, they've been doing that for years. The recent damage is in a popular phrase, "it ain't trickin' if you got it," meaning that if you have a lot of money, and you spend it on a chick, it doesn't matter if she is using you because you have the money to spare. That philosphy is flawed, to say the least.

Let's look at the anatomy of a trick. A trick is a man who stupidly, yet lavishly spend money on a woman in order to secure sex or attention. From a woman's perspective, she doesn't care if you "have it" to spare or not; she just wants the money. Most tricks are men who wouldn't normally be attractive to women, if it wasn't for his money.

Tricks are usually men who:

used to be nerds, and have turned their smarts into some kind of IT or engineering career and now have money to buy all of the pussy they were scared to smell in high school

used to be lame before they came into a whole lot of illegal money and now brandish their doe and the fact that they are drug dealers, or rappers who work for drug dealers, by "hanging over the wall in VIP," buying all the pretty girls drinks and eventually Coach bags

are old men who have worked 40 years, have a pension and nothing else to spend their money on besides young pussy

So in all of these cases, the tricks must compensate for the fact that they have no real swagger, with money. There is nothing wrong with trying to impress a woman you are fond of. Dinner, a couple drinks, some meaningful presents are all good, when they accompany real feelings. But if the only thing you want from the chick is sex and bragging rights, than it IS trickin', especially if you got it.

Because men with no money are way more selective of who they spend money on. If you know your budget is limited, then you won't be buying ever phat ass and her girls a drink. You will pick the one you have the best chance with, polish up your game, a purchase ONE drink. After the man knows he has more of a 50 percent chance of having sex with her...then dinner.

Tricks will buy a whole crew of girls drinks AND breakfast AND ride them around in their Hummer (or whatver the ballers are driving these days). They will brag about their degrees or all the rappers they smoked weed with. But when it's time to seal the deal, and get some sex, a lot of the times they fumble. And if they do luck up and get some, she's faking it. She's faking it because she knows she can see all parts of your wallet, in exchange for some dull sex.

So don't let T-Pain, Lil' Wayne and them tell you that just because you have money, you ain't a trick. You are the trick! You are the dude that hoes look out for in the club. The reason why any woman with any ounce of game never brings money to the club! Besides, look at T-Pain...do you really think women would love him if it wasn't for the money??

men need head

2008-09-25T13:41:00.004-04:00

"Let me break it down so it can forever and consistently be broke." From Love Jones

It's hard being a man. Not because of the pressures of the world, and the daunting role of being a leader to households, communities and whatnot. I mean, that shit is hard, but women do it too. It's hard being a man, because they must always balance their ego/masculinity, with their sensitive side. Yes, your man wants to plow you 90 percent of the time...but sometimes he just wants to make love. Leveraging that with the emotions of a woman can drive men crazy. And of course, the stresses of being leaders of the free world...

Nothing, not good food, not movies about explosions, not rap music, not a beer...not even good ol' regular sex, can satisfy a man like good head. There is something about taking the most sensitive, rugged and important part of your man's body, then wrapping your mouth around it, that means more to him than anything in the world. He towers over you like a titan, and watches as you moisturize his member with your tongue juices. It is idol worship. It makes him feel like a god.

There are some women who don't give head. Some are intimidated. Let's face it, men's penises can be overwhelming. And no woman wants to "do it" wrong. So they never do. For those women, they just need more time to understand the power of men and why head is a neccesity.

There are some women who don't give head because they are stingy. These women are assisting with the demise of the world. I can meet a man and within seconds, figure out if they are getting head or not. They can be awkward, tense and jumpy. They are flashy, arrogant and uptight. Sometimes they are just mean and chauvinistic. Because they have no one in their life letting them know they are the shit.

No one in the world tells your man he is the gorgeous, strapping, big-dicked hunk that he is. Not TV, not his job, not his momma. No one can do that for him, except his woman. A man can always meet another chick who can give him that feeling, and then women get mad for being cheated on (see Monica Lewinsky). And most likely, that is all he is wanting. To feel like he's the shit. And the best way to do that is by giving head.

So ladies, if you haven't given your man head this week, make it a point to do it as soon as possible. Text him. Tell him, "hey babe...head when you get home?" He'll be at the door waiting, with his goods ripe and ready. And don't give him head, expecting oral in return. Just do it, let him feel satisfied. Let him take a little nap afterwards. It will give you time to talk on the phone with your friends.

For the men who aren't getting head from their women. Jeez, I just don't know what to tell you. You are either dealing with a naive or conservative chick. Or a selfish bitch. Do you really see yourself with either in the long run?

you stress me out

2008-09-19T13:09:00.003-04:00

i loathe being so empathetic at times. and i loathe that people use me as an emotional pillow that they cry and moan into when they need to. my neck hurts, my minds all cluttered. i'm falling behind on work and freelance projects.

when i get home from work, the only thing i want is a drink, a smoke, some food and some sex. my friends, family, job, bills, weight, hair, car, money and life stresses me out. luckily, i know how to maintain in times of crisis. i rarely exhibit my craziness outside of my home. even in that, i don't take myself too seriously.

my friends...they need to learn how to cope better. because they all stress me the fuck out. i am about three seconds away from shutting down myspace, facebook, instant messaging all that.

for me: this weekend i am shutting down all communications with everyone and just being by myself with some wine, some magazines, some episodes of spongebob and some silence. leave me alone.

who i admire...

2008-09-16T09:18:00.002-04:00

I admire women who have the audacity to pack up their lives and their dreams and follow some crazy destiny that no one carved out for them, they just feel it in their bones.

I admire women who scoff at the idea of sitting in front of a computer all day. Women who want adventure and excitement out of life...not just ballers and child support.

I admire women who are beautiful and shapely, but rely on their smarts to get ahead.

I admire women who aren't afraid of their sexuality, but don't let it define them.

I admire women who are untraditional and aren't stereotypical.

I admire women who build their empires off being role models for other women.

I'm not sure I admire the woman who I am today. I am timid, self-absorbed, unconfident and unaware of what my goals are. I look at other women in envy, wondering why I can't have an audacious life. I am smart, educated, personable, cute (sometimes), trendy yet traditional. I have a firm foundation around a bendy, stretchy mindset. All I really want is an opportunity, for once, to explore all these talents and traits I have in a different setting.

I want to be a woman who is admired for my individuality.

race or sex...

2008-09-10T09:19:00.003-04:00

For the past year, national politics have asked you to choose. Do you identify more to your race, or to your sex? Political minds believe that Blacks will only vote for Obama because he is Black. Others feel that Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin was chosen to lure women voters who were set to cast for Hillary Clinton.

As a woman, who is Black, I own two characterstics one might describe as "oppressed." I came from a history of women who were treated below the lowest in the Black community. It was rare to even see images of people like me on television, if not in some stereotypical manner. To this day, I believe that some White people have a hard time classifying me. I'm not exactly ghetto, not exactly suburban, not matriarchal.

Unfortunately, as a "minority" you have to fit easily in some sort of slot in order to be understood by the mainstream. Which is one of the biggest reasosns I am drawn to Barack Obama. He isn't exactly anything like we've seen before in politics. Some critics have accused him of not being "Black enough" which is an absurdity. Not one idea or background translates the "Black experience" in America. No matter what CNN says, I can point out a Black person and expect them to understand my upbringing and mindset. That's the reason why I don't listen to a lot of Hip Hop...I just don't relate to it. Now, that doesn't mean that some White kid in Minnesota doesn't hear 2Pac and can't feel more connected than I do, because he's White.

Nevertheless, I identify more with being a woman, than being Black. I think my experiences as a woman first, then a woman of color has shaped who I am. I know that a sa Black woman, the bar is so low, that the only thing I am expected to have is a fat ass and a weave. So breaking out that stereotype is hard enough as it is.

But I don't think that you have to choose. There is a unique experience felt as a woman of color in America, as detailed by some of my favorite writers: Alice Walker, Ntozake Shange, Nikki Giovanni and Sonia Sanchez. It's an experience of being the cushion for a down-trodden man, a wicked nation, and bringing up a generation through obstacles including AIDS, the media, crack and self-destruction. It is inherently motherly and soulful.

This is the perfect time to take Martin Luther King's words to heart. Judge people by the content of their character, not the color of their skin. Don't cast your vote just because Obama is Black. Don't love Sarah Palin just because she is a woman. Research each candidate and vote for the one who speaks to you the most. Don't let race or sex be a deciding factor...even though this is the first time it has been a significant factor in America's history.

mean n rude

2008-08-21T13:21:00.002-04:00

My best friends suck. And they know who they are. And they've done it on purpose. They should feel like shit for the way they've treated me. I feel abandoned. I feel used. I feel like I have nobody to talk to.

My cousin asked me last night how she could get more friends. I told her life is better, the less people who are close to you. If I had to do it all again, I would have never become the social butterfly who I am.

Some of my friends expect me to be the drunk floosy who spent too much money and had way too much random sex...but was fun.

Some friends think they know better than me because they are better off and talk down to me.

And some friends are just mean n rude, treating my like their emotional punching bag!

I am losing everything right now. My house. My friends. My sanity. And people just say mean things and act rude without knowing how it effects others.

Even when I shouldn't care, I care. And I feel like a weak loser for that. It seems like everybody's life is so much better now that I'm not around. I just don't care anymore. Good riddance!

recession my ass...

2008-08-20T10:36:00.002-04:00

There may be less money going around, but there is something that is in abundance. Love.

In the past 24 hours, I found out 3 of my friends were preggers. I currently have 5 friends who are with child.

Congrats to you all for finding something to do when the gas is high and money is tight.

Real Talk...

2008-08-19T15:35:00.000-04:00

The one thing I can't stand to see the most is women who don't like other women...so many times, I hear women say:

"I only hang with dudes, cause women are always jealous of me/haters/trying to get with my man/talking shit, etc."

I got this email from my mom today, hopefully it will touch a sister...

To my sisters in the Lord... There comes a time in every woman's life when she has to take a close look at herself. Not at her circumstance, not at what she did, not how unfair life is, or at who made you do it. She has to just look at herself in all her glory and imperfection. Have you ever admired a woman who has been through changes in her life? Or have you made up in your mind that she is just messed up. Before you make this mistake, take a closer look. A woman who has endured the most unusual life is someone of wisdom, someone who has been chosen by God to go through things that have made her stronger.

Think of all the great women in the Bible: Mary Magdalene, Ruth and Naomi, the woman with an issue of blood, and Esther, to name a few.

Mary was a prostitute, a very uneasy woman. But by the time Jesus was done with her, she was His closest follower.

Esther was unfortunate in marrying an abusive man, but by the time God was done with her, she had married one of the wealthiest men in the land. Women are so quick to beat the next one down instead of trying to hold her up.

Before you wonder, 'What's up with her?' ask yourself, 'What's up with me?' That woman could be my mother, sister, aunt, in-law, stepmother, niece, grandmother, great-grandmother, neighbor, friend, or co-worker, etc. That woman could be ME.

SO STOP JUDGING ONE ANOTHER!!

Encourage and love, forgive and forget, and trust that the woman that receives this will be touched in some way. Women are the carriers of life, not the channels of death. Let us build and encourage each other, as did Ruth and Naomi. Pass this to all the women in your life. May the peace and love of Christ be upon you! To know the Lord is to Love Him, and to Love the Lord is to know Him!

i got a henna tattoo...

2008-08-18T15:35:00.003-04:00

I got a henna tattoo this weekend, on the same spot that I wanted my real tattoo...in a similiar concept. I have to say, this tattoo has nearly tamed my want for a permanent tattoo. I like the idea of having something I can change when I want to...and a tattoo that can compliment what I'm wearing at the time.

feeling discouraged...

2008-08-15T16:18:00.000-04:00

I've applied for more than 100 jobs this summer, with no interviews. I've watched people less qualified than me get jobs that I wanted. I've had friends disappear over silly shit. I've been in an office for almost eight hours, in the silence with nothing to do...for three years. I haven't spoken more than 10 words since getting to work.

I've had people gassing me up all year about their ideas and plans and shit. I'm just not in it today, sorry...

because i love the interviews in elle magazine...

2008-08-14T14:18:00.003-04:00

...I decided to take one of their Q&As and ask myself the questions. They always ask the best questions...

1. Other than yourself, who are your favorite writers?
Nikki Giovanni, Toure, Sonia Sanchez and Sade

2. What is your favorite color?
Lilac (and flower)

3. What is your favorite junk food?
Mexican food and donuts

4. If you could have another body, what would it be?
Kesh (http://www.therealkesh.blogspot.com/)

5. Who are your fantasy dinner-fantasy guests?
My two grandmothers RIP, Michaela Angela Davis, Andre 3000, BJazz, J Dilla (so he, Dre and my boyfriend could chat) Kimora Lee Simmons and Diana Ross

6. Where's your favorite place to have a drink?
My bed or Bristol

7. Last book you read?
Jeez, it's been a while. How about this astrology book the other day.

8. Breakfast?
Salmon, frittata and waffles, yum

9. At age seven, you wanted to be?
A lawyer and a dancer...something like Claire Huxtable

10. What's the one thing you find easiest to forgive?
When people say things they don't mean or make stupid mistakes

11. What's the one thing you find impossible to forgive?
Stealing

12. What's your biggest self-indulgence?
Sex

13. Favorite place to shop?
Target and iTunes

14. Whose diary would you like to read?
My two grandmothers

15. If you were an inventor, what would you invent?
A cell phone with a compartment for lipgloss already built in

16. What's your nickname?
Marie Scott, Donna Wonna

17. When and where are you most happiest?
At one of my boyfriend's gigs and he does something on the keyboard I never heard him do before

18. Who is your best friend?
God

19. Who is your worst enemy?
History

20. What pice of art would you most like to own?
Something by Latriece Branson, I'm sure

21. What's your favorite vacation spot?
That I've been to? Chicago...that I'd like to go to...Aruba

22. What's your most treasured possession?
Old photos

23. What's your favorite band?
My BJazz's bands of course!

24. If you weren't a writer, what would you be?
A photographer for a newspaper

25. What's your biggest regret?
Not going natural sooner

26. Always...
Overdress

27. Never...
Settle

Baby Got Back: Black Feminist Anthem??

2008-08-13T09:02:00.003-04:00

This song is a celebration of the Black woman's body.

Now, before you get into the corniness of the song, the fact that the video features a huge paper mache buttox and the barage of sexual-looking fruits and veggies posing as various body parts, let's get to tthe bigger issue. Yeah, this is a horny song.

However, Sir Mix-A-Lot became one of the first rappers to understand how Black women feel when presented with media images of thin, blonde, White women. The infamous opening, with the Valley Girls airing their disgust with the Black woman's body.

Oh my god, Becky, look at her butt
It is so big
She looks like one of those rap guys girlfriends
Who understands those rap guys
They only talk to her because she looks like a total prostitute, ok?
I mean her butt
It's just so bigI can't believe it's so round
It's just out thereI mean, it's gross
Look, she's just so black

We all laugh at this, but this statement is so relevant nowadays. So many people adopt the idea that women in videos, or women who are extremely curvacious are "prostitutes" just because they look sexy. It's not just about their asses, its the culture that they are speaking on.

Though Sir-Mix-A-Lot can be rather aggressive in the song, he states explicity that he wants the Black woman to know she can be sexy, yet respected:

"A lot of pimps won't like this song/ Cuz them punks like to hit it and quit it/ But I'd rather stay and play"

He also understands that all women fall under the pressure of magazines that say thin is in:

So Cosmo says you're fat
Well I ain't down with that
Cuz your waste is small and your curves are kickin'
And I'm thinkin' bout stickin'
To the beanpole dames in the magazines
You ain't it Miss Thang
Give me a sista I can't resist her
Red beans and rice didn't miss her

I heard this song in the gym yesterday, and I had to admit...it was gives me an extra pep in my step and a boost of confidence when I hear it. Sure, I'm not carrying around a load like Buffie the Body, but it's nice to know that not all rappers just see sexy women as slabs of booty meat. Black women shouldn't be ashamed of their thick figures, and feel inferior to the boney White chicks that dominate the media.

Though music videos can be over the top, I appreciate the fact that Black men appreciate the Black woman's body...and PREFER it in a time where so many women of other ethnicities are acquiring silicone booties.

Thank you, Sir Mix-A-Lot, for appreciating the Black woman's body. The funny thing about this song is that, it was a huge mainstream hit and was played on MTV constantly. This was hands down Sir Mix-A-Lot's biggest hit, and can often be heard in White bars and clubs on the regular. Maybe all of Anerica has a secret crush on the Black woman's ass.

Desire

2008-08-12T10:32:00.003-04:00

On the flip side. Real desire is more than just a physical thing. It's more than what happends at night. What happends when no one is looking. When you are truly, madly desired by a man...it can be the spark that ignites your day.

My boyfriend took these photos of me, while in Cincinnati as we were about to go to one of his gigs. I can tell by the way these turned out that he really loves me. That feeling is worth more than all of the dumb and decitful stuff I've been through. I thank God for a man who finally sees me in love.

Booty

2008-08-12T09:56:00.004-04:00

"Your booty might be bigger but I still can pull your nigga, but I don't want him..."

Booty by Erykah Badu

One thing that I've learned in my nearly 10 years in the dating world is: if things don't start on the right foot, they won't ever be right. Ever.

Not love or prayer or ignoring the problems will ever fix something that was broke to begin with.

I used to be a woman, who was predatory. Who looked for holes and gaps in other people's relationships in order to find a way in. I didn't want anything but the satisfaction of knowing I could get any man I desired.

And that bad karma followed me into most of the relationships I had. And I never understood why shit wouldn't work out for me. Because I was a good girlfriend. I cooked, cleaned, was an adventurous lover...pretty much any and everything a man wanted.

I made this personal, because I wanted to come at this topic a totally different way. It's hard to understand why women go after men who they know in their hearts they can never have. Even single men who are emotionally detached. See, we can't blame the men sometimes.

Because a lot of women want to feel validated, wanted, sexy. They want to be lusted after. They want to feel better than the other chick. I know because I was her. And was the first bitch crying about trust, and the demise of the relationship.

You can't expect things to work out for you, if you go about things in a decietful and manipulative manner. As a woman, you have to know that you possess certain powers over men. But you can't use that to fuck up other people's shit. Men are weak when it comes to women, and being a tempting seductress only messes up your own life.

You have to have respect for other women and their needs before you go and sabotauge their shit. And how could you ever trust a man who is leaving his woman for you? I'm not asking as a person who has never been on both sides of the issue. At times, I just question how lowly I once thought of my own self.

Summer Playlist

2008-08-08T11:16:00.003-04:00

My favorite songs of the summer so far...

1. Sumthin In The Air by Middle Child

2. Crazy/Wonderful by Amerie

3. Can't B Good by Janet Jackson

4. Back In Love by Estelle

5. Me by Erykah Badu

6. Me & Cousin by The Liquid Crystal Project

7. Escalad by The 3rd

8. Planets by Peter Hadar

9. Energy by Raheem Devaughn

10. Til the Sun Comes by Middle Child

11. I Decided, Part 1 by Solange

12. Lemme Get That by Rihanna

13. Fifteen Minutes by K'Naan

14. Shove It (Remix) by Santogold

15. My Drivethru by NERD

16. B Side Love Affair by Sy Smith

17. Gettin Up by Q Tip

18. Desire by Raheem Devaughn

Dirty?!?

2008-08-07T11:42:00.002-04:00

Yesterday, my boss casually mentions how she seen a white guy in the mall the other day, and his hair looked so "dirty." They guy's kids had locs too, and she laughs and says, "wow, they have a future."

I was so offended, I almost cried. And I alsmost forgot that this happened until I just looked in the mirror and remembered my twists in my hair.

Some people can be so insensitive. I don't know one could interpret this:

...as dirty. Maybe because when you google the words "dreadlocks," "dreads" or "locs" silly grinning white people pop up. Nothing against white people, but they not black people make dreads look bad. I've never know a black person who had locs that I didn't want to touch. And I know plenty; I'm one of the neo soul hippie chicks.

I couldn't imagine running my hands through a set of white people locs.

Expansion vs. Seclusion

2008-08-07T11:22:00.004-04:00

I am in a constant battle between letting the world know of my inner thoughts and keeping shit to myself. I think it's the Cancer in me. One part of me is brazen and forward. Another is timid, hiding behind a shell.

And one part isn't too sure that people won't think I'm crazy. I've learned in the past week that I am. Which is fine with me. I guess I'd rather know something about myself than be in denial. Other things I accept:

1. I am nearly an alcoholic. The only reason why I don't fully accept the title is because it hasn't really affected my daily life. My boyfriend gets the brunt of it at times, but he absorbs craziness rather easily.

2. I like sex a lot. It's so poetic and intense.

3. ...and chicks sometimes. I like women's bodies, but I don't want to be emotionally intimate with them. Does that make me a dude?

4. I don't need people as much as I thought I did. Part of getting older is being alone. I'm cooler with that.

Do I want everybody to know these things about me? What do I gain from the exposure? Understanding, perhaps. Relating to others craziness, indeed. We'll see.

The Otherside of the Game

2008-08-01T14:36:00.004-04:00

I know that he loves me I ~~know~~ hope that he's faithful. I just wish he was around more.

See, my boyfriend is in high demand. He is talented, charismatic and driven. And he loves what he does. He loves it so much, that most of the time I am home sleep after late nights in the studio or at a gig. A lot of our time together centers around his work some way or another. I love his work. He has a way of striking notes that moves people. It moves me.

But I wish that so much of our time together wasn't work related. It's great to have a talented and creative musician to sleep with every night. It also sucks to have a talented and creative musician who is always sleepy when you seen him.

And it doesn't help that I am bored all the time because I hate my job and none of my friends are fuckin with me. I'm a mover and a shaker and as of lately I've been twiddling my thumbs, bored. I'd love to spend hours a day doing something I love.

Am I jealous? A little. I don't get anywhere near the opportunities and love that my boyfriend does. People love him a lot more than they love me. I, on the other hand, am like watermelon in December; out of season. People just ain't feelin me right now. And I wish I could describe this frustration right now.

And if I were him, I'd rather spill my creative juices, then sit around listening to some whiny girl. But sometimes I wish he'd forget about the world and just sit around with this whiny girl sometimes...

Hair Store Snob

2008-07-28T10:37:00.002-04:00

After peeping lots of pics of women with dope twists in their hair, I am (once again) deciding to try to rock twists through the month of August. Yesterday, after conditioner washing my hair I noticed I was all out of my usual twist stuff, Elasta QP Mango Butter. I have had a love affair with Mango Butter since I've been natural (for about four years) so it is always in my cabinet...

...but never in the hair store! Every other time I go to the hair store to buy it, they never had it. So I had to buy something new. And I am a hair store snob. I have spent hours in the hairstore, looking at product ingredients and asking the owners why they don't carry certain stuff. A hair store in a black community is the eqivalent to a corner store: nothing remotely healthy, everything is overpriced and lot's of bootleg ish. The only thing seemingly good for my hair, natural shea, was grossly overpriced. So after combing each aisle with a fine toothed eye, I came across this stuff...

Cantu Leave In Conditioner Repair Cream made with real shea butter. The ingredients check out...nothing too crazy, with real shea...

I twisted my mop and it smells really nice, my twists are really soft and plump...so far I'm happy! The next set of twists I do, I may invest more into the product line...but so far a great product!

I prefer sexy women...

2008-07-24T10:28:00.006-04:00

...and not in that Lil' Kim/Flavor of Love/ass all out kind of way. I just really dig chicks who embrace their femininity as a strength, and not something that hinders them.

In some fields of work, being feminine can be seen as a hinderence. Or a tool for unworthy praise. Like hip hop. Some women look to surpress their femininity in order to be taken seriously. And I can understand why. Many prominent women in hip hop don't even write their own lyrics. They rely on their entertainment value, and boost that up by tootin their asses out and too much cleavage and makeup.

But there is a certain feminine quality that is personal and sexy. When a woman is comfortable in her own skin, knows her own strengths. A woman who can display her talent, yet engage folks with her inner self. That's sexy.

I went to see an upcoming singer the other day. And she had it all. She could blow. She could rock the crowd. Her song selection was dope. But she was so not sexy. She wasn't conscience at all of her look, her walk, her smile. Her hair had no personality. Her voice was powerful, never soft. And at the one time she told the audience she was about to get sexy, it was still a little forceful.

One mustn't be overt to be sexy...

...I guess the litmus test would be, women want to be here, men want to be with her. Sexiness is a quality, not based on the amount of skin and lewdness. But an attitude of uniqueness. I prefer to see women who are sexy in their own way, because it shows their comfortableness in their skin. All women have that to their advantage.

The Greatest Gift of All

2008-07-23T14:06:00.003-04:00

Knowledge and wisdom are two of the greatest gifts you can receive. Even when you really, really want to expect material things, sometimes God wraps up a big, pretty package filled with knowledge and wisdom.

I didn't get anything for my birthday. Not a card. Not a cake. Not a dinner. Nothing. I got a $100 to spend on a cell phone, but I really need it for my mortgage. My mom hinted that a party was in the works for me, but then everyone decided that I wouldn't want one.

My feelings were ~~very~~ kinda hurt by that.

I spent the day before my birthday crying and cleaning. Crying over the things I can't change, or currently don't see a way out of. Cleaning up the things that haven't been touched in years. Dusting, mopping, scraping crud out of hidden places. I did all that.

Sometimes, even after cleaning, setting things straight and putting things in their place, things are still not right. See, my house is empty. My sister just moved out. And though things were glowing and smelling lemony, it didn't take away from the glaring emptiness of my crib. It totally coincides with the feeling I have inside of wanting more out of my life.

After cleaning my dark, hard wood dresser with furniture polish, I noticed cracks and flaws I hadn't before. The more I tried to improve upon the texture and the finish of my dresser, the more the flaws showed. So I gave up. And accepted it for what it was. From up close, the discrepencies were displeasing to my eye. Keeping my distance, it still looks stunning.

Nearly a week after my 27th birthday, the cards, presents and other doo-dads haven't showed up. All of the issues and problems of the past few months are more prevelant now than ever. What I do appreciate is the knowledge and wisdom that is wrapped in the finest packages and delivered to me everyday. Sure, some Betsey Johnson earrings would have been dreamy on my birthday. But these lessons are good too.

i wanna be a supermodel

2008-07-15T15:14:00.003-04:00

After seeing photos of Toccara Jones in July 2008 issue of Vogue Italia, I think I want to be just like her. She is stunning in her shoot besides some of the the most gorgeous (and thinnest) Black models in the game. But it's not just her face. Her body is banging. And I say that in the most straight way possible. Her curves are inspiring to chicks who are thick but wanna tighten up a bit (like me). You never catch her on the scene not looking fresh. Toccara is dope, and as a fellow Ohioan and thick chick, I'm happy to see her doing her thing!

Feeling 45% Wack...

2008-07-11T13:17:00.004-04:00

...so my boy tells me to make two lists: one of things I want to do for money, the other of things I want to do for me.

Things I Want To Do ( For Money)
1. Write for a magazine (music, culture, travel, lifestyle)
2. Work for a PR agency where I manage different accounts
3. Learn about the music business (A&R, talent scout)
4. Go to college for graphic and Web design
5. Write for a newspaper (music, culture, lifestyle)
6. Sell/rent my house
7. Be a personal assistant for someone fierce or dope

Things I Want To Do ( For Me)
1. Exercise
2. Take art classes
3. Do more creative writing (songs, poems, short stories)
4. Photography
5. Learn to play the guitar
6. Drink wine & boba
7. Travel more

Birthday Fiasco

2008-07-10T14:36:00.004-04:00

I will be 27 in 10 days, and there will be no birthday fiasco, thank God. I plan on hanging out one night with friends, doing something relaxing and going to church.

I feel like a woman, for the first time. I am happy for developing my own personal style and wisdom. I am happy with my decisions in the face of adversity. I know who I am. I know why I am the way I am, and I am on schedule to correct the things needed to be changed.

I am glad my boyfriend showed up in my life when he did. A day earlier or later would have altered our relationship. I see my peers, out in the clubs, perusing over the hungry men and floating between lovers. I'm glad it's no longer me!

I'm glad that I am my weird, quirky self. I'm done trying to fit into a box that just doesn't fit anymore. I love life. I live strife. I love hard and I love tomorrow.

I have a short list of birthday wants, if I get them I'll be pleased. If I don't I'll get them soon.

1. A Braided Bun.
This look that Jessica Simpson is rocking is all the way fierce. In my search for a protective summer style, this is what I'm going to roll with. Nothing like a big ol fat bun, paired with some dope earrings and stunning eye makeup.

2. Smell Goods
I've been without a sexy scent for a while, so it's time to re-up. I wouldn't mind my signature scents CoCo Chanel Mademoiselle and DKNY Be Delicious. I am also loving this line of smell goods I discovered called Pacifica Soaps (http://www.pacificasoaps.com/) with earthy beautiful scents and natural products.

3. Fondue
Beacause I love sauces and dips, and I think it's sexy.

4. New music
You can pretty much get me new music for any occasion and it would be fitting. I've been checking out the latest albums by Peter Hadar (www.myspace.com/peterhadar), who so happends to be a friend of my beau. He is a lot more old school R&B as he seems, and relishes in his eclecticness, which is dope. He is also an industry head, so he knows all of your favorite artists personally. Sy Smith, whose resume reads like a dream, has a new gem with a mix of soulful house gems, and a stellar set of pipes.

The Macy's Music Festival in Cincinnati features many of my favorite artists, and is being held the week after my birthday. Earth, Wind & Fire, Jill Scott, Raheem Devaughn and Chrisette Michelle (would gladly see them again), all just a few on the lineup.

All that and just time to chill and be greatful would make my birthday a wonderful day.

inspired by the lady in red

2008-07-08T16:30:00.000-04:00

Worked on this poem for about a week. It reminds me of the Lady In Red, in the stage play For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When The Rainbow Is Not Enuf by Ntozake Shange. It's about every woman, I guess...not any specific woman is better than any other.

You want to be like her
Her eyes like fire
Her face inspired
Her body admired
By every whistling boy and peeved girl
In her pathway
You mimic her figure
And the way she gets in your
Head when you talk unlike most chicks that just
Balk idle ideas of youth and inexperience
She just listens
She just glistens in your eyes
A prize of a life
But inside her cocoon she cries a
Monsoon amount of tears
She has fears that add up to inertia
And quivers at the thought of disertion
Her eyes, her smile just a mirage to a thirsty few
You want to be like her she wants to be like you
Her rich facade lacks real wealth
Nobody knows how to play the cards she's dealt
Not even she at times
Nobody wants to live the life she leads
Not even she at times
What everyone sees just shines and glistens so bright
It distracts from the maniac that attacks her sanity
She looks in the mirror and all she can see is vanity
She looks through her wardrobe of fine threads, yet
Can only see calamity
You see diamonds but all she feels is rough
It's tough being her
In spite of the accolades, attention
Affections and superstitions
Of all the ones who already knew her who never really did
With all the strings of life that never really give
Her beauty washes down the drain
After every lay
And melts off her face
After everyday
She can paint on perfection
But being hollow just doesn't go away

"Dyed" My Hair

2008-07-01T09:43:00.002-04:00

So I dyed my hair...and though you can't tell from these photos, it is the lightest my hair has ever been!

My hair goals have been kind of shotty. Yes, I've been deep conditioning more. I've also been using a concotion (1 part water, 1 part Infusium, 1/2 part Olive Oil) on my hair everyday.

I am about to do a protective hair (twists) challege until my birthday, at least.

By the way, I got my new hairstyle (twists in front with fro in the back) from a dope UK chick. Her site is called Naturally Sexy (http://www.naturallysexy.co.uk/) make sure you check it out!

Dancing Around

2008-06-25T22:27:00.002-04:00

I tried to clean my room all night. But the words kept forcing me to stop. And I finally made it into my computer room, but other distraction like MySpace tried to take me away from the way I was really feeling.

My boyfriend suggested to me earlier: why don't I just write out what I'm feeling. And the idea seemed foreign and scary, yet the only thing I know needs to be done. I'm going to do a lot of dancing around this subject, because as i stroke each key I really don't know where to begin. And what to write about. I don't believe in disclaimers, but given that this subject is extremely sensitive and personal, I'll have to say that what I feel now may be an emotion or something said out of anger, and not what is really. For once, I'll go into diary mode and just spill what comes to mind. I guess should start with me.

Presently I feel lonely. I feel abandoned. I feel neglected. I feel silenced by the anger and selfishness of others. I feel right and justified. I love Brandon. No one knows what his love has saved me from. Not even he does. And as long as we both believe that what we have now is nowhere close to what we will have, then I am going to fight for him and with him.

But this has nothing to do with him. It has to do with effective communications. People not knowing how to be respectful, direct and discerning when they speak. My sister, my best friend, my parents. They have all made decisions based on little or no information. I just want someone to listen to me. I don't need and never asked anyone to step in. Just listen and be respectful.

Today I gave up my car, and now I'm at home, alone. I haven't been without a car since college, and even then I didn't really need it. So I have yet to even adjust to this loss.

My boss at work hates me. She wants to fire me. I barely talk to her and I hate being there. I don't put forth much effort and I don't fit in. I'm sure she's noticed. And the more I am unfocused, the more the case for firing me builds up. I have been physically ill and gaining weight. I am so stressed out. And I feel stressed because I'm not effectively communicating. I hate yelling. I hate when people are insensitive. I just want to be heard. Even if not agreed with.

If I am fired from my job, they won't know what that will do to me. NO ONE understands how their words and actions effect other people. Energy transfers, and as one person "blows off steam" it could be the fire to ignite someone else's rage.

I am not joyous, yet I am content. I am not satisfied with my current condition, yet I am thankful for everything. For the laughs and the tears. For the aches and pains, and the ecstasy. I've been forced into seclusion many times, for valid reasons. I know I am being prepared for a time where I will be alone, not for lack of understanding, but because of distance. My family, my friends will soften their hearts and be more accepting.

I just ask for the strength and endurance so that I have my head in the game, instead of letting sadness take over me. I am a shell of my usual self. I pray that God can fill me again.

Poem I Never Finished...

2008-06-19T14:58:00.000-04:00

...but I may do something with it later...

Try to make his life a fairy tale

Because shit can be so hellish

Sometime people relish

In strife and unhappiness

But I try to make his sadness bliss

His corrections as painless as possible

Music I Love Right Now

2008-06-12T09:46:00.008-04:00

Estelle's debut album, Shine really surprised me. Her first single, Wait A Minute (Just A Touch) was a little overrated to me. Her accent was cute, but a barrier for me to understand her Rap lyrics. But after she remixed Impatient by will.i.am and made the cheeky American Boy featuring Kanye West, I was intrigued to hear her whole album. Estelle encompasses the sassy, urban chick vibe perfectly well, with her collection of uptempo, Hip Hop and Reggae tinged anthems. Comparisons to Lauryn Hill arise, mostly due to her accent, island flair and production by Wyclef, but let's face it...no one combines raw emotion and musical depth like Ms. Hill. That's just an unfair comparison. I give her kudos for pulling some of the biggest names in urban-alternative music, with cuts featuring Cee-lo (Pretty Please), will.i.am (Just a Touch, American Boy), Kanye West (American Boy), John Legend (You Are), Mark Ronson (Maginificent) and Swizz Beats (Shine).

Columbus' own J Rawls and Middle Child are the latest producer/songtress duo to catch my attention, with their June release Rawls & Middle. The album is a delicate blend of straight up soul and solid production...with just enough sonic weirdness to keep your ear tuned for what's next. My favorite, Something In The Air, is a breezy tune, that would be jazzy if it wasn't for J Rawls obvious Hip Hop flair. Lovers On A Stroll is a song that warrants the dance floor with its dominate Spanish piano. Songs that touch on different genres are what makes this project a keeper, with each listen you'll find even more to appreciate. Just when you want to catagorize Rawls & Middle as an R&B album, a song like By Your Side, with a heavy Rock influence suprises you once again. Don't Lock The Drummer Up is song that is so hard to classify, yet so brilliantly simple and weird, it is bound to be one you have to listen to more than once in order to understand its urgency. You never know what you'll hear from these two in future, which makes it even more pertinent that you Google them every now again, in anticipate of their next releases.

You can never go wrong with Al Green, especially when paired with Neo-Soul pioneers like James Poysner and ?uestlove. His newest album, Lay It Down, is a Soul lovers dream, with rich, yet sparse arrangements, and songs that will get you through any lover's situation. The title track is a slow but steady stab at new love that updates yet respects Green's signature sound. Guest appearances by newbies are fitting and not gimmicks, with Corrine Bailey Rae, John Legend, Anthony Hamilton and horns by The Dap Kings (of Amy Winehouse fame). Each brings their own personality to the project without stepping on Green's toes. Hopefully this album will go one to earn many awards and accoladed, as it purposefully updates a Soul music legend. Modern-day crooners, take note.

I've never lost my faith in Soul music, even during its "R&B singers who want to look like rappers" phase. After seeing Raheem Devaughn and Chrisette Michele live this past weekend, I am pretty confident that the genre is florishing and not folding into Rap music. Both of these performers can blow. Michele has a sweet powerfulness to her voice that can be demanding and assertive at times (Good Girl, Be OK), and coy and feminine at others (Like A Dream, If I Had My Way). She stands out in a genre of amazing singers being more around the way than Jill Scott, more refined than Mary J. Blige and more theatrical than a Keyshia Cole. Devaughn may be the best Soul music performer out these days. Period. He is Hip Hop when he needs to be, but can produce hysterics from the crowd, just like any good Soul singer should. His albums are good, but the best way to experience what he dubs "the love experience" is to see Raheem live. Straight up.

Advice Is Like Assholes...

2008-06-02T14:42:00.005-04:00

Luckily, I went to school for communications. So I know how to mirror people in conversations. Which is what people always want. To be mirrored and validated. Even when hysterical.

I have rules with dealing with women. Because women are dramatic, irrational and not as serious about most of the things they threaten. Women are more forgiving and way more empathetic than men. So when dealing with a woman and her drama, you have to take everything she says with a side eye.

Not because women are liars, or that women are pussies. They are just different. A woman will explore all the depths of an emotion, during an emotional experience. Just to go there, not to follow through the next day.

So when I deal with women, I listen. I offer neutral solutions when questioned. But I don't take sides.

Women are protective of other women. Some women even like to see other women be alone, or in strife. Women don't like to see other women make mistakes.

But advice from women, is very shotty, to say the least. Because of all the factors I mentioned above. Not to say that women won't insist on adding their two cents to a situation. Not to say that they are wrong or I am stubborn. That may all be true. But I'm not taking it. I just understand how women are...but I understand what kind of woman I am. And I don't need to bring any other energy into my dilemmas and life questions. Between me and God, we are straight on handing it.

Everyone judges. Everyone offers advice. No one ever wants advice. Maybe it's an ego thing. No one ever follows their own advice. Those who often take advice often end up in mazes of their own misunderstandings. Sometimes you have to trust yourself into the darkest tunnels. Not because you are stupid or brazen...but because you are you. And sometimes you are moved to do crazy things. Like sell all of your stuff and move to L.A. Or quit your job. Or stay in a relationship with a jerk. Who knows where your instincts will get you in life? Who knows what is at the end of your mistakes? Who wants to lead a life based on the opinions of others? Nobody does.

Vibrate Not So Much

2008-05-29T14:23:00.001-04:00

So my favorite toy tinkered out on me last night...so much for my handmade sensual seductions...

Vibrate Much?

2008-05-28T14:00:00.003-04:00

In the past couple days, I've masturbated more than I have in the past six months. At least three to four times a day. I don't even know when I've had the time to do all that, between fighting with my boyfriend and my other daily weirdo responsibilities.

I've been lonely though. And I've felt like shit. And the only thing besides gateway drugs that medicates me at this point are self-inflicted orgasms. But vibrating today is way different than vibrating when I wrote about it last year.

It's different because it is much quicker and less overall sensual than the sex I am used to. I've moved from prefering sex to masturbation. I delight more in the back and forth delight of making love with another person, not just myself. Or, am I losing sight of how to pleasure myself?

Have I moved from solo-think to total couple-think? I don't know. It's not that masturbation doesn't feel great and that I feel bad. It just emphasizes my lonliness. I mean, I could be feeling this way AND making him smile too.

Nevertheless, I masturbate and though the fire gets just as hot as orgasms flame throughout my body, and I think back to the marathon sessions of the past couple months, the weirdest thing is opening my eyes, journeying out of my imagination and realizing that I'm alone.

Sad Girl Poem

2008-05-27T20:31:00.006-04:00

Kind of Blue

Was this the kind of fight that had

Missiles soaring through the skies

Buildings constructed with the toughest wood and sturdiest beams

Annihilated in seconds

Was it the kind of circumstance circumnavigating

A bigger truth of regret and internal sorrow

A kind of love that burns out tomorrow

It's imperative right now

Because right now I can faintly finish a thought

You are the end to all sentences

Preludes to my periods, my exclamations and my questions

I can't categorize us, what genre was that deception?

What theme is our passion

What adjectives do I use to tell the full length feature

With its highs and lows

With this pen in my hand

Will anybody ever understand the love

We specially brewed out of whatever exotic fruit

We produced

It's inconvenient for us not to be together

It's artificial to act out days where your presence is not viewed even once

And how do I explain after only mere hours and huge transgressions

How do I explain that being with you is a need

That superceeds any pain you may have cause

I need an all encompassing law

That details this kind of blue that

Colors my fingernails

Soaking the page with every letter I write

I need a number that counts

Tears released at your meanness and tears held back

At the lack of your embrace

Because memories are cruel in their reminders of what we were

I need your presence presently

Our moments creating instead of created

The last ones curved the medium of who we really are

Interview with Colin Munroe

2008-05-27T15:17:00.002-04:00

Get To Know: Dallas Austin's Latest Recruit Colin Munroe and His Remake of Kanye West's "Flashing Lights"

By Donna Marbury

If you were born in Canada, sharing a birthday with your idol Paul McCartney, and listening to J Dilla while growing up, you might end up a little like Colin Munroe. A producer and writer from the suburbs of Ottawa, Munroe was pretty well know, having worked with Ray Robinson, Chauncey Black (formerly of Blackstreet), Glenn Lewis, Divine Brown, Saukrates and Sean Price of Boot Camp Clik.

Munroe then decided to blaze the solo trail, logging more than 350,000 YouTube hits after collaborating with an art student for his avant-guard video, "World of Pain." But Munroe turned Hip-Hop heads by remixing Kanye West's "Flashing Lights" with an equally visually impressive YouTube clip, "I Want Those Flashing Lights."

Dallas Austin quickly snatched up Munroe from our neighbors from the north, and the newest Rowdy Records recruit is planning his debut album, Don't Think Less of Me, a blend of rock, pop and soul. If his influences served him well, Munroe could be the next new artist to parlay his internet fame into real world success. Below, Munroe talks about his newfound fame, creative freedom and how he's sick of everybody trying to be so cool.

AllHipHop.com Alternatives: "Flashing Lights" is a pretty distinctive song on Kanye's CD. What made you want to tackle it?

Colin Munroe: That's really part of the reason. Just listening to Kanye West's album for the first time, that track stood out in such a way that kind of touched a little creative nerve in me. I wanted to try and see if I could do something a little bit different with it. It was really just an experiment that got way out of hand. [laughs] I didn't really expect it to turn into what it turned into. I'm certainly not mad at that though!

AHHA: The video for "I Want Those Flashing Lights" and your song "World Of Pain" are both very artistic. What was behind the concept?

Colin Munroe: I cut both those videos with a friend of mine who goes to an art school around the corner from where I live. I really think it's these kinds of places where you find some of the best ideas for this day and age. These days, it is really difficult to make a conventional video that actually gets attention. Big budget videos have the same old story lines. It's boring and I don't think people really get into it. I've always been on the look out for people who bring video ideas that are a bit more forward thinking. Both ideas were like, "Hey, why don't we try this!" We tried it and on both occasions it worked out pretty well. So we are going to keep working together.

AHHA: What do you think of your success on YouTube? You've had more than 350,000 views of your video "World Of Pain".

Colin Munroe: I think it's pretty cool! These days that is better than having a billboard in Times Square. That's the world we live in. And you always would have had to pay for a billboard in Times Square, but you don't have to pay to get yourself all over YouTube.

AHHA: Anything weird or crazy happened to you since becoming an Internet celebrity?

Colin Munroe: Umm, I wear that mantle very lightly. [laughs] I've just been getting more attention…more attention from certain people. I've definitely had attention from people who wouldn't give me the time of day before. It's been interesting. I've had my head pretty squarely on my shoulders my whole life. It has kind of helped me to see when people are being real and who is jumping on what they perceive to be as some kind of bandwagon that's going somewhere. You begin to know who your real friends are.

AHHA: How did you meet Dallas Austin?

Colin Munroe: He was introduced to me actually, through a friend in New York who has been like a complete angel to me. She's a manager for writers and producers. She very randomly heard my music when I sent her a package like six months ago. She got back to me six months later, and she was like, "I'm so sorry! I really want to see if I can help you guys out!" She's been trying to get our foot in the door, introducing me to different people. Dallas was one of the first people she thought would get my music and get me for who I am, this kind of musical mutt. She played him the music and he flew me down for a few days last summer. We hit it off and have been working together ever since.

AHHA: You have a very unique sound, are you concerned about your label pushing you to sound too R&B or too Alternative?

Colin Munroe: Dallas has been extremely open in giving me creative freedom. The first month in the studio, I just made some changes to the project that I always felt were needed. And he said to just go for it. I didn't see him for about a month! It was just me and an engineer. Every now and then he's popped in. I was really impressed. At the beginning, I was thinking maybe he'll take over and this is not going to be my thing. But he totally took a hands-off approach, and I will respect him for that forever. I feel like I've been extremely fortunate to be allowed to be myself. That's not a chance that many artists get early in their career. That was a really great revelation to me. For the most part the album is complete and 100 percent me.

AHHA: Are you concerned with being lumped in to a "Blue-Eyed Soul" category?

Colin Munroe: Yes and no. If somebody labeled me "Blue-Eyed Soul," I'd say, "really?" How does my music sound like other blue-eyed soul? I think inevitably, they'd have to see that it doesn't really. Having this album, by no means indicates I want to stop making music for other people in other genres. I hope that my work speaks for itself. People are able to accept musicians who are more than one genre. One person can dance in a couple different arenas.

AHHA: You got your start in Toronto, doing production work for Ray Robinson, Glenn Lewis, Sean Price and other urban artists. How is the sound you created for them different from what you create for yourself?

Colin Munroe: That came out of a love for that kind of music. I was working with those guys when the whole Philly thing was at its height. I really fell in love with that. Like, Voodoo by D'Angelo is a really important album for me. Seeing all of that up close, because there was a lot of Toronto connection to that movement at the time. I was kind of completely in love with that music at the time. So, what I was doing was a white kid from the suburb's take on what was going on in Philly and Detroit. It came out as a little bit different, but it came out real enough that people in the community endorsed it and wanted to be a part of it. I'm totally appreciative of that. That was me kind of trying something different and seeing if it worked. I guess it did.

AHHA: You're a big J Dilla fan. If you could sing over one J Dilla beat, which would it be?

Colin Munroe: I got a hold of a beat that I heard was going to be used for a new A Tribe Called Quest album. But the album fell through. I wrote to it anyway, because it has to be one of my favorite of all times. I don't know what the name is. Other than that, it would have to be maybe the beat from 2U 4U by Slum Village on Fantastic, Vol. 2. That's another one of my favorites.

AHHA: If you could remix a Beatles song, which song would it be and how would you freak it?

Colin Munroe: I'd love to try something, just because you would expect it, but nobody's ever done it properly; "Strawberry Fields Forever."

AHHA: What's the last song you heard that you wish you wrote?

Colin Munroe: This old, old song from Bobby Caldwell. He wrote this song called "It's Over," and I've had it on loop for about a week, wishing I had written it.

AHHA: How would you describe your music, using your five senses?

Colin Munroe: It tastes like sugar. It feels like a pinch on your arm. It looks like purple. It sounds like a shout. It smells like your bedroom.

AHHA: What's a trend in music that you wish would go away?

Colin Munroe: It's not an aesthetic thing. I think these days music has swung to a place where everything needs to be way too cool. There's just no vulnerability anymore for anything real to squeak through. Everything has a cool facade. You don't see people who just want to be open and honest. People are trying to be cool. There's always going to be a certain element of coo, when you are dealing with music. It comes and it goes. But now it's kind of taking over. It's a bit of a shame.

http://allhiphop.com/stories/alternatives/archive/2008/05/25/19928043.aspx

The Chick in the Mirror

2008-05-27T14:39:00.004-04:00

Love is a growing evolving thing that has to seep into whatever crevice that is lacking. Love has to have enough stretch and pull to fit over the most impossible holes. Love is more than just what feels right. It's being pliable enough for someone else.

Me, I'm not pliable. Because of previous cats, I've become molded and rigid. I believe that I deserve special consideration because of my past. I haven't worked hard enough on sealing those wounds.

It's like...plungering a toilet that's clogged with shit, toilet paper used to clean up the shit and whatever waste stuffed down into the pipe. It could be shit on top of shit. Or one big shit. It could be all the toilet paper you used to clean up one little shit. It could be something that doesn't even belong in the toilet, that happened to fall in. And the toilet becomes inoperable. Regardless of what is stuck in the toilet, who put it there and who's responsible...somebody's gotta unclog what's stuck and clean up the mess.

The mess, in this case, is jealousy, insecurity and codependency. My mess that has been created and patched up from years of learning about relationships. My interpretation of love has been distorted for reasons that are probably similiar to many 26 year old women. My case is neither unique nor devastating. Just mine.

So what has happened is that I have inflicted these personal, yet distorted beliefs upon another individual with his own set of personal, yet distorted beliefs. We have operated out of the best love that we know. He hasn't seeped into every crevice I needed him to. I haven't stretched far enough to cover his gaps. We've done the best we could with what we got. But it's now time to clean up our own shit.

Because it's spilling out into violence, hurtful words and other indiscretions. Pain can tower over any other emotion when left unchecked. It's as dominate as love, and can impead upon it.

I am in love the best way I can be. With the correct tools and some inadequate ones. I can't look at my partner to be the putty or the glue to hold me together though. I have to do that myself. I have to be constant regardless. Even when hurt. Neither of us are innocent, neither are evil. Both of us are trying.

Improv Poem

2008-05-19T10:38:00.004-04:00

I don't know if that's the title, and not to sound too gay. But sometimes I look at the emotions that transfer between me and my boyfriend and I can't help what words spurt out. This was really just an in-the-moment flow. I love it.

Anytime we can

We do

When it's blue

We do until purple is made

When we hot inside

Clouds melt

Outside

We high

Higher than flies

On ceilings in skyscrapers

Anytime he's free

I'm like a caper of his love

Swindling him for all his swagger

We're always on the go

He's flying spaceships

I'm riding flows

But when we connect and

Let things go

It's like summer yards

In the ghetto

Overgrow

Overthrown are the captures of the world

When my title isn't writer

Just his girl

When we make it

It's brilliant

Can't stand the shine at times

Connected like old brick houses

And vines

Doing What My Horoscope Says, Part Deux

2008-05-19T10:18:00.002-04:00

Today's Cancer Horoscope: May 19, 2008
If you were offered the opportunity to
take off on a trip around the world, where you would see wonderful palaces and
experience a timeless love affair, would you take it? The total freedom would
tempt you, without a doubt. But would it make you entirely happy, dear Cancer?
Have you considered the possibility that you can create an environment right
here at home that gives you that same sense of freedom?

Let's see...recreating the feeling that a worldwide, palace-filled love affiar would give me?? In Columbus?? As imaginative as I am, I think I'd have to experience this before I'd actually feel it.

My boyfriend has the opportunity to go to Europe for the whole month of June. And there may be a chance that I can go too. Do I try my hardest to go, ignoring my responsibilites at home? Or do I work on creating this resort life here in Columbus?

My Ugly Sexy Boyfriend

2008-05-12T14:04:00.004-04:00

It's not even that Ne-Yo is that ugly. What qualifies as cute nowadays, anyways?

What Ne-Yo lacks in the looks department, he sure does make up for in the creative, artsy, musician sexy boy department. My love affiar with Ne-Yo began long ago, when I couldn't stop bobbing my head to Let Me Love You by Mario. I noticed I was way more in love with the lyrics than the actual singer, Mario. I found out that a young chap named Ne-Yo penned the tune and have anxiously followed his career ever since.

My crush, however, has grown much in the last year. With production credits all over the place, Ne-Yo has firmly planted a spot as the premiere R&B/Pop producer of all the hottest singers. His song, This Can't B Good by Janet Jackson is by far the best song on her latest album Discipline. The aching allure to the song, screams of Ne-Yo's pen. And as sexy as Ms. Janet is purring over the rhythmic bassline, I can only think of Ne-Yo when I hear the song.

But let's not be mistaken. Just because Ne-Yo writes amazing music for many others, he definately saves the jems for himself. His new song, Closer, is everything I ever wanted out of House and R&B music. The lyrics are sexy and intricate, and the beat thumps enough to get any party started. Anticipating his new album, The Year of the Gentleman, has almost surpassed my excitement for my Pretty Sexy Boyfriend Usher's release.

Making Hair Goals

2008-05-08T11:05:00.003-04:00

My four year nappy anniversary is coming up at the end of this month! While I am excited to have had natural hair for four years, so far, I have to admit I haven't been so nice to my hair lately.

Making hair goals are important to Afro chicks, because our hair isn't as rough as we believe. It is actually extremely delicate.

I have straightened my hair twice this year...it's straight now. And I do love it, by the way. Straight hair can be versatile and chic in a way that curly hair cannot. Luckily for me, I can go back and forth. But this love affiar with straight hair must end soon, because it prohibits me from working out, sitting in the sauna, kissing in the rain and all kinds of fun stuff.

I have been reading a new blog called Mane & Chic that has totally inspired me to take better care of my hair. How am I ever going to get Diana Ross hair by not going out of my way to make sure it is great.

Below is a list of my summer hair goals, at least until September. Of course, I will keep updates on the blog.

Summer Hair Goals
1. Deep condition hair under dryer and/or hair treatments once a month

2. Protective styles all summer including (twists, braids, roller sets, buns, ect.)
3. Conditioner wash hair at least once a week (I really want to do twice)
4. Find a shampoo bar that I like
5. Find a good daily conditioner (mango or shea butter, plus something for moisture)
6. No more straightening!!
7. Find a hair vitamin I like

Emcees Are Lucky She Doesn't Rap

2008-05-06T13:58:00.002-04:00

Not to mention, her kids have the hottest emcees blood running through their veins.

Erykah Badu is the most commercially successful hip hop artist out. Yes, I am aware of who has deemed themselves the hottest rapper alive, who claims to be the king of New York and who's album sold the most. And there are many factors to suggest that Badu isn't even considered a hip hop artist:

1. She is a woman. Most hip hop artists are men.

2. She doesn't rap. Most hip hop artists are rappers.

But rap, isn't the only criteria for being hip hop. And, with all things considered, Erykah Badu writes better lyrics and rides the beat better than all of your favorite rappers combined.

Erykah Badu understands the legacy of of hip hop. It began as a voice for the underserved, black community. It was creative, witty, yet inspirational and party-oriented. It was serious, it was silly. And even when it seemed demeaning, or outright scary, there was always hope for change. To the detriment of many hip hop artists, many don't understand that the music associated with hip hop comes with a responsibility that other genres do not. Hip hop wants you to be proud of your roots, celebrate your gains, but not remember who was left behind.

Part of Erykah Badu was molded from the Yo Yos and Queen Latifahs of hip hop. She is sassy, serious, yet can rock over the most monsterous beats. Part of Erykah Badu is the old school classics that hip hop is sampled from. The blaring soprano of Chaka Khan and the moody blues of Lady Day. See, when you listen to an Erykah Badu album, you are getting the future and the past all in one.

What makes Badu so hip hop is her combination of understanding the "people," yet understanding that the people love the beat. It's an exquisite dance that she performs on her latest release, New Amerykah Part One, where she waxes poetically over the dirtiest of hip hop beats, falling right into place. Never has Badu sounded like a ridiculous R&B singer over a hip hop beat. From day one, she has always had the head nodding beats with the message of the hood in the lyrics.

She addresses, not only the ills of the hood with understanding, unlike most emcees. She speaks to the women of the black community. Now, which one of your favorite female rappers can claim to be the voice of the people. And no, Lil' Mama doesn't count. Where is there a song of sympathy for the woman who has fallen in love with the drug dealer, like The Otherside of the Game? Where is the song for the woman who is not trying to be a player, but loves two mean like Next Lifetime? And what female hip hop artist has ever been so supportive and concerned with the plight of the black male, as seen in Time's A Wastin?

She sums it up in her ode to hip hop, Love Of My Life, a female take on Common's jewel, I Used To Love Her. The remix, featuring Queen Latifah, Bahamadia and Angie Stone further illustrates her understanding of the genre, unlike many of her peers.

Badu has been the only woman who has managed to have her audience accept her creativity, while working with the hottest hip hop producers and keep her sexy without selling out. I know Badu is an emcee. For whatever reason, she hasn't let that part of her repetoire shine in full display. But all these emcees better be lucky she doesn't rap...yet. Because I'm sure she would shut the game down.

AllHipHop.com Interview w/ Mint Condition

2008-04-25T14:28:00.001-04:00

Mint Condition: Indie Fresh
By Donna Marbury

Just because you don't see their videos all over TV, doesn't mean Mint Condition qualifies as one of those Behind the Music wash-up bands. The quintet from Minneapolis has been spending the last few years blazing the independent trail.

In 2005, Mint Condition released Living the Luxury Brown on their own label CagedBird Records, which hit number one on Billboard's Independent charts. Fans who have followed their heavy tour schedule and collaborations with stars like Alicia Keys, Jill Scott, Janet Jackson and Charlie Wilson, are eagerly awaiting the group's next move.

Far from the group that made the girls swoon with hits like "Breaking My Heart (Pretty Brown Eyes)" and "U Send Me Swingin,'" Mint Condition is exploring how the internet can interfere or enhance, love, relationships and family, with their sixth studio release, e-Life.

From collaborations with Anthony Hamilton, Ali Shaheed Muhammad of A Tribe Called Quest and Phonte of Little Brother it is clear that the band is ready once again to give fans what they have been waiting for. Sitting down with the bass/lead guitar player Rick Kinchen and saxophone/keyboard player Jeffrey Allen, the two explain what has kept Mint Condition viable for 17 years, and why they are virtually R&B's last band standing.

AllHipHop.com Alternatives: What's Minneapolis like? The only things most people know about the city is Prince, The Time, and Mint Condition.

Jeffrey Allen: St. Paul is right next to Minneapolis; that's where we are from. It's kind of like a college town. Minneapolis is more progressive, like a little version of Chicago or New York. It's a good area if you are trying to raise a family.

AHHA: And there is obviously good music there.

Allen: Definitely. Hopefully, we are paving the way for an artist or group from the next generation. Because we're almost the only group left around here, as far as R&B is concerned. We want to influence some of the younger artists to continue in the band thing.

Rick Kinchen: Or influence them to go solo. [laughs] There's an artist by the name of Rocky Robinson who is one of the best vocalists. Then there's Alexander O'Neil.

AHHA: A lot of your fans are excited about your new album, yet some are like, "Where has Mint Condition been?" How do you respond to that?

Allen: We try to do our best to keep the name out there. Sometimes in between projects we are doing other things like production or a soundtrack. Or may be we are backing up other artists, to keep the name out there. We've done some of that in the last year or so, so hopefully with that plus this new project coming out, we can jog the memories of some of the people who forgot about us.

AHHA: You have started your own label, CagedBird Records. What are the pros and cons of being independent artists?Kinchen: You don't have that machine behind you. Big labels also have other artists who they can cross market with each other.

Allen: The pros are you make your money faster and you don't have to sell as much to make your money back.

Kinchen: You get paid right away instead of one day. You also get a large percent of the shows.

AHHA: So would you encourage groups and singers today to go the independent route?

Kinchen: Not really. Some people have their opinion. I don't really have a set opinion. If you can have me in the Target Center, and I'm making $350,000 a night, I wouldn't be worried about label politics and all that other stuff. I'm keeping it real. I look at some of the artists, and on their first record they blow up, like Maroon 5. That's the big money. So I ain't mad at that. They might be giving up more freedom, but they are getting a lot on the other end. So it works both ways.

AHHA: Mint Condition has been together for 17 years. How do you keep the band together that long?

Kinchen: One thing that you keep in mind is that this is a job. I'm going to give it to you straight. We fight sometimes, but it's basically like a job. If you don't do it, you don't make any money. If you do have something else going on, sometimes you wouldn't want to do it. [Keyboardist Keri Lewis] is not in the band anymore, but I don't really blame him, because it's rough being in a band. It's like three different TV shows. You got Good Times, you got The Jeffersons and The Cosby Show. We always have to make decisions together, and there's clashing. It can be a monster. There are a lot of positives too. We make great music together. Working with a lead singer like Stokley [Williams], and all these guys are incredible. It's magic and it's really not anything that hard. It gets rough sometimes though.

AHHA: Who is the David Ruffin of the group?

Allen: That's a good question. [laughs]

Kinchen: That can change. [laughs] I'm going to say, we probably have one.

AHHA: Maybe all of you have a little bit of David Ruffin in you.

Allen: It's definitely like a family. One of us might be the crazy uncle for the day. Some might be calmer. It's kinda like that when you put it all together.

AHHA: What is the formula for a good band?

Allen: Well, definitely some kind of talent. We also have like four or five core beliefs. A lot of stuff we mentioned before is smaller stuff. And being ready for opportunity is very important. One day, you are going to meet somebody or be playing in the same room for somebody, and you're going to have your chance. And you have to be ready.

AHHA: Where did you come up with the album title, e-Life?

Kinchen: The record is about…like at one point I was on MySpace like crazy. I wouldn't eat, and if I did it was in front of the computer. And my kids were like, "You want to play or something?" And that's when I looked at it like, I just need to be a better dad and spend more time with my kids instead of the folks on the internet. I'm sure everybody has been online until four or five o'clock in the morning.The record is also about celebrating family. It's about women who are living in the fast lane, they sex messaging. Like in the song, "Gold Digger," I wish I could have found another title. But in the song, she's really not a gold digger; she's just someone who likes success. Once a woman is dating someone with a lot of money, it's hard to go back to a regular guy, because she's accustomed to so much more. Once you meet a pro-athlete, or a man who can take you anywhere in the world, it's hard to go back to the guy who works at Target. But at some point, you have to find a balance between someone who will treat you right and give you love. We have a song called "Wish I Could Love You," about a woman who is always kickin' it, and always has stuff going on; just being a little bit of a pimp.

AHHA: You have many collaborations on the album. How did those come about?

Kinchen: We have always wanted to work with other people. And it wasn't just the big stars we wanted on the album. We wanted people we respect as artists. We always loved Little Brother. With the song "Somethin'" with Phonte from Little Brother, we sent him the track, explained the story and what he wrote was an exact match.

Allen: We met Anthony Hamilton at some gigs that we have played together for the last couple years. We've always talked about working with him. When Rick put together "Baby Boy, Baby Girl," it was a natural fit for him. That's definitely someone we really respect.

AHHA: What is your favorite Mint Condition song?

Allen: "Sad Girl" from the last album, or "So Fine." But "Sad Girl" represents all of us at our best performance.

Kinchen: I guess I have favorite songs on each of the albums. A lot of the songs I know make fans happy or people close to me happy are good to me. I'm a writer, so that is what makes me feel good.

http://allhiphop.com/stories/alternatives/archive/2008/04/24/19697565.aspx

AllHipHop.com Interview with Elephant Man

2008-04-16T10:25:00.001-04:00

Elephant Man: Physical Education
By Donna Marbury

Dancehall music is all about sweating and grinding. So it's a no-brainer when one of its biggest stars, Elephant Man, names his current release Let's Get Physical. The Jamaican born and bred entertainer, know as The Energy God, has gotten plenty of partygoer's blood pumping with hits like "Pon di River, Pon di Bank," "Get Low Remix" with Lil Jon and collaborations with R. Kelly, Janet Jackson, and Daddy Yankee.

With a Source Award and a MTV Award nomination under his belt, Elephant Man was signed to Bad Boy Records while sharing a dressing room with Diddy on the Usher Confession's tour in 2005.

Elephant Man went to release Let's Get Physical during the height of his buzz in June of 2007. After almost a year of being pushed back, are fans still as excited to hear the dancehall star?
A chameleon of hair color, Elephant Man says that the album, chock full of star power collaborations, will be like a Red Bull to the music industry. Here, the singer talks about his high stamina on and off the stage, why he's not a good candidate for Making The Band and his favorite ways to get physical.

AllHipHop.com Alternatives: Are you excited about your album being out?

Elephant Man: Yeah, I'm excited, and the truth is a lot of fans have been waiting. The album is crazy!

AHHA: Yeah, I heard. I'm going to start working out to it.

Elephant Man: [laughs] I'm feeling good to know that! It's an album that was worth the wait, you know? It's got some good songs.

AHHA: What was the hold up on the album?

Elephant Man: The hold up is because we have Chris Brown, Rihanna, Busta Rhymes and many others [on it]. We had to get clearances, you know? We wanted to have singles, and videos right?
We had to make sure everything would go well and we wouldn't have any problems with lawyers and all of that. We had to make sure everybody and everything was OK.

AHHA: You've done a lot of collaborations in your career. Who's your favorite artist to collab with?

Elephant Man: Chris Brown, Rihanna and Busta Rhymes. With this album, I went for my favorite rapper, my favorite singer, male and my favorite singer, female.

AHHA: You are on Bad Boy, and as you know Danity Kane and Day 26 just finished up another round of reality shows. Do you ever see yourself doing reality TV?

Elephant Man: Well, I'm not making the band, I'm already out there. I'm already past that level. If Puffy wants me to come over and talk to them, I would.

AHHA: Would you do a show about your own life?

Elephant Man: Of course! The show would be about taking these people to Jamaica and showing them about the dancehall, show them about what we go through, just showing them our culture in Jamaica.

Like, take them to the house and show them the lifestyle we live. Show them what we like to do, show them how we enjoy ourselves. It would be crazy, trust me!

AHHA: Your album is called, Let's Get Physical. What's your favorite way to get physical?
Elephant Man: My favorite physical activity is football.

AHHA: Is that soccer or American football?

Elephant Man: Soccer! I'm not putting no ball under my arm and being chased by nobody! We Jamaicans don't play that! No, we kick the ball and take some punches every now and then.
We don't run from nobody! A lot of people thought I was born to be an athlete, but I was born to be an entertainer.

AHHA: If you weren't in music, what do you think you would be doing?
Elephant Man: I wouldn't be doing anything, because it's not like I want to do this. I was chosen, understand?

When I was a child I was performing in school, competing against other schools. People had known for years what I did. They already knew I was an artist.

AHHA: What color is your hair today?

Elephant Man: One side is green and one side is blue. I gotta keep up the image, you know? I like to look cool. I like to look entertaining.

You can't be a star and not want to be seen and stand out. I gotta take care of this skin and this sexy body. So when the girls see me they say, "Damn boy...damn kid!"

AHHA: Where did you get your name from, by the way?

Elephant Man: The ladies gave me that name. Because I'm tall and I'm long and I'm strong like an elephant.

http://allhiphop.com/stories/alternatives/archive/2008/04/15/19643260.aspx

Not A Purse Hoe But...

2008-04-07T16:51:00.002-04:00

I love these purses!! The Prade Fairy bags are impressed with real ink, and allegedly protected against running. The start off at about $2,000, which, if you are a reader of my blog know that a chick couldn't responsibly purchase such a sweet confections. Nevertheless, all hope is not lost, as I believe in buying what you love and not just what is fashionable and hot. So, even if it is out of season, I vow to have one of these percious artsy beauties on my arm...

And no, I don't mind the overtly flowery language. As the purse is mentioned on the PurseBlog, their motto: Shallow Obsessing Strongly Encouraged.

Haiku Hoe

2008-04-07T16:29:00.003-04:00

Crush Haiku
Under your eyesight
I am an ant who can't hold
Seven times her weight

Love & War
Your eyes cutting
Your face furled
Your pose distrustful
Will not make me fall out of love with you
The foundation of this fight is simply
That I want something that you have
It's your attention, your attention and your attention
I would never invade your senses for
Recreation or
Spite because
War
Is costly
Lives are lost
Infastructure can be destroyed
And if this point isn't sharp
Then we are building a peace treaty on resentment
If I didn't love you
I wouldn't fight you
And as abusive and misleading as that may sound
I have never felt the desire nor purpose to want something so bad
To have to snatch at it
You sweet kisses
And wanting eyes
Don't make me stay
Because in an instant it can be intrusive
Or offensive
This tumbling we do out of and onto
This relationship needs pain and love
It needs swampy floods and crisp blue skies
This harmony of this love is intricate
And this fighting purposeful
And as God has taken two of his cloths
Fashioned to blend into one
Turbulence and disturbances are not just
Necessary
But welcomed
With tea and apple pie
At the door of my emotions
We will shake hands and take PR photos
And we will cut cakes and doves
Will be released into the skies
I still love you, but I will still fight you

Doing What My Horoscope Says, Part One

2008-03-18T15:49:00.003-04:00

Today's Cancer Horoscope: Mar 18, 2008
It is never very agreeable to have to question oneself, dear Cancer. But this is the main objective of the current celestial aspect. You will soon find yourself launched
you into new adventures. So take advantage of the energy generated by this
planetary configuration to look into yourself and find the source of some of
your failures. This is not an easy exercise, to be sure, but it will do you some
good. Just don't lie to yourself.

Looking into myself to find the source of my failures. Yeesh. Today, what I seem to be most dissatisfied with is my insatiable hunger for money and things. I've created a web of needy little companies who keep eating and eating at my money. So, in return, I do stupid things to get more money, which leads me to unhappiness and/or more debt.

When it comes to money, I feel like a failure, because it controls me and I don't control it. I can't afford to explore and be creative. I make hasty, unplanned decisions. Luckily, I don't have kids and other dependents, because they'd have nothing to eat. I have no respet for money, and it's importance. I haven't been careful with the blessings that I've been given. Not just as a young woman, with a degree, no kids, a house and a "good" job. But as a part of one of the wealthiest division of the black diaspora.

I have a responsibility to tithe, to donate, to help others, to create and to build wealth for future generations. As I ask God to decrease my needs and wants, and take away those things I don't need and create unnecessary burdens, I also ask Him to forgive me for not respecting the wealth that I have been given.

Sumthin Like a Hippie

2008-03-18T11:23:00.003-04:00

I don't know what I want to do with myself. I could put all my talents in a hat, pick one, and be for sure that I wouldn't want to do that for the rest of my life. I can't really commit to anything past tomorrow. I'm feeling flighty yet grounded.

Once again, I don't know what I want to do with myself. Well..the only thing I'm sure of at this point is that I want to get married. I do have a host of things I know I don't want to do:

1. Focus so much on money
2. Work the majority of time
3. Be so attached to wordly things
4. Be committed to things instead of people
5. Become a corporate/nightlife/working drone

Basically, I want to be a hippie. It's not that I'm anti-establishment. I am a firm believer in rules and order and capitalism. I am just not real big on conforming right now. I think a lof of things are stupid and unneccesary for human living. I don't believe that my life is designed to be this boring and self-centered.

I ask God and the universe for truth and direction. The only person I am concered about disappointing at this point is my future husband. I can't have so many other attachments. Doing what is good for me will in turn be better for my future family and whomever I am supposed to touch in life.

I don't think that my current jobs and commitments are bad. I don't think they are silly and stupid. I just don't think they are for me. Some other person could fall right into these rolls and be successful and sure. I think I am making everyone else unhappy by my wishy-washyness.

In her song, Self-Love, Jaguar Wright says, 'If you don't like your job, why don't you quit, stop being a bitch and love yourself!" I just don't want to be a bitch anymore.

A Song For You

2008-03-17T15:42:00.003-04:00

"Donna, I hope you don't still hate me. Please give me a call one day, I want us to be friends." The email was brief, and my ex-boyfriend kind of had a point. It had been at least two years since we had last communicated. And as tumultous as our ending was, I'm not the one who holds grudges. I've forgiven a lot more for a lot worst crimes.

But there was something about this situation I could not let go. More than the other chick. More than the embarrassment of being cheated on. More than the months of being led on. it was that song. My ex wrote a song about me, and put it on his MySpace page for everyone to hear. Okay, he wasn't T-Pain, so it wasn't for everyone to hear. But it was public enough to tear even more holes into any fabric of a friendship that still existed between us.

The gist of the song? I love this girl, but I just can't stop having sex with her. And she uses sex to keep me around. In his tale, summarizing the end of our relationship, he depicted me not only as manipulative...but desperate. He said, I used my body and my head to control his heart. I forced him to betray his heart for what his dick wanted. And all of this was set to a sample of Let's Stay Together by Al Green.

On a scale from 1 to 10, my feelings for this boy were a solid 6. So though the actual situation felt pretty horrendous, the calculation behind totally embarassing me afterwards is what really hurt. It's one thing to bad mouth an ex in the heat of a conversation. It's quite another to write a song, produce a beat, buy studio time to record it and then upload it onto MySpace.

So for that discretion, I'm finding it hard to reply to emails and random text messages from him...I can't even produce fake smiles as my friends casually mention this fella. For immortalizing my pain and making me look like a needy broad, I don't know if he can ever been forgiven.

Writing's No Fun

2008-03-05T22:19:00.003-05:00

My boyfriend ducks his head in and out of my office, as I drift somewhere between revamping my resume, rubbing my eyes and writing on my blog. He's a musician, and being in his space while he's creating is dimensional and inspiring. He does things with sound that is unexpected and thrilling at times. My BFF is an artist with many mediums. Watching her take raw materials and mold them into three-dimensional pieces is pensive and intense. You can watch tension and release in the way she works and it is, indeed, work.

Writng isn't so fun. Most of the time I need music with no words and lonliness to produce gems. Bystanders disturb my groove and are eventually bored if not put off by my snubs. I don't want to talk. I don't want to hear any other voices but the ones in my head. I want to frown and sulk and moan. Crying is optimal. These emotions I feel, are painted across the sounds of someone else's canvas. The way I stretch and tame my emotions is most effective alone.

Nobody wants to watch a writer write. There is nothing exciting about seeing someone pace, play with their hair and spin in a chair for five minutes until they write two sentences and commence the same process again. Of all the arts, writing must be the most dull to witness. Most of the action occurs in other people's moment, and are distilled in late night cram sessions filling pages with nonsense that are eventually balled up and thrown away. Thank God for computers.

Frustration

2008-03-05T21:53:00.004-05:00

My brain is like a ball of rubber bands, tightly wound and being bounced all over someone's office, dropped on someone's floor. It's one blow after another--bank fees have me $400 in the whole, people I owe money to threatening to sue, parents overparenting, my job is drying like concrete around my ankles and people with way less talent (but obviously more drive) are getting ahead. These blows that barrage me, have the same timing, swiftness and impact as they have for the past couple years. Maybe I should get better at being hit.

Part of the reason I believe I am this hamster in the spinning wheel when it comes to my career and money is because I mismanage it so. If I appreciated my "things" more, I'd have more things. Karma is this idea that hippies subscribe to, to explain away the mysteries of God. When in fact, some of the most undeserving, selfish people in the world probably have the most.

As someone who bought a house, has a car, closets full of clothes I don't wear and all sorts of unneccessary goods, i can say that one of my main prayers is to decrease my wants and commitments. I didn't appreciate the hassel-freeness of apartment living, having no car and only myself to feed. To be free to move and be inspired again...

Out of all this frustration, the only thing I really think is at the basis of this is...

A need for expression.

Something real and meaningful. Something shouting and ugly. Something bruised yet accepted.

Forever, Ever??

2008-02-26T14:19:00.005-05:00

The rose he bought me on Valentine's Day (13 days ago) that is thriving in one of my old Moscato bottles. Lush.

The most hard to believe aspect about being in a serious and committed relationship is the fact that I've actually met someone who wants to be serious and committed to me. Me? Are you sure brotha?

Not that I'm not worth it. I'm a sharp and smart woman with a lot going for her. I have independance, but not so much I want to take a man's place. And I'm not going to trip out on you every other second. I don't mind you scoping other women's booties. I'm looking too.

But I have very little experience with being open and honest. The men I've dated didn't like being questioned, and loved that I never asked. My quiet tirades and silent treatments were heaven to them. If only every girl could be so passive and willing to distance herself!

But not this guy, who wants to do the always and forever thing with me. He wants my voice. He wants my opinions and my anger. He wants to collect my tears as they fall. He wants my emotions raw from the source. My uneasiness comes from never having done this before. I'm not against sharing and openness. I'm a virgin at it.

Sometimes his transperancy is unexpected and startling. At first, I didn't want it. And at first it kind of hurt. But then I had one of those light bulb moments that Oprah is always talking about. This is just the kid of interaction to bring me out of my shell.

Though it's tough, I know the blossoming of this new communication will be beautiful. And working at this forever thing is different, considering I've never had monogamy. I've learned by not pressuring him into anything serious, he decided he wanted to do something serious. On his own. I'm fascinated by this reaction.

This thing he and I are doing...being in love...has to be heaven sent. Because I really couldn't imagine any other man trying to do this forever thing with me.

Song For Today: Heaven Sent by Donnie

Solitary Confinement

2008-01-29T11:01:00.000-05:00

My love is
Plucked
Once a decade
From a plant only rippened
By the full moon of April
Sweetened by dew only produced
When the winds collide with light rain
Every other leap year
Men don't believe it exists
It is rare
For coincidences to turn into
Truths
And for this intensity to ever be
Real
It's some fantasy conjured
In some young man's head
And when he awakens he assumes
It must have been a dream
Ain't nothing this sweet
Must be an additive
This connection must be doctored or
Fathomed from some drug-induced sensation
My love can't be tangiable
It must be catapulted into the sky
Admired from afar
My love is broken by human touch
Sweat tarnishes it
Eyes diminish it's glow
It is only produced with ripened conditions
Yet it can't ever be stable for long periods of time
It either explodes all over men's suits or
Floats allusively away like dandelion seeds
People live on Earth
But I hover idealistic and perfect
In a hellish heaven admired yet alone
Captured inside a bubble of everyone's tomorrow
And a few next lifetimes
But no one's today
My love has no presence in the present
Rare equates with misunderstood
Special means complicated
And when it's assumed someone else will be able to grasp my love
It means I wake up alone

::today::

2008-01-28T12:27:00.000-05:00

1. i would cry right now if i wasn't concerned about ruining my eye makeup
2. will continue to decrease expectations and live more for the moment
3. is in love with this new singer, AYO
4. won't listen to Amy Winehouse
5. will listen to Only Heart, my favorite John Mayer song
6. i can't understand, and will leave it like that
7. i am thinking about straight hair

i think i attract selfish and needy people because i can be selfish and needy. i also believe that selfish and needy people enjoy this mirror i put up during conversation. listening is the most powerful tool i possess.

with those truths, it is damn near inevtitable that i will begin to feel used and downtrodden during most relationships i have...be it with my mom, my coworkers and my distant and close friends.

i want to be alone more and attached less. i wish i could conjure up tirades and make people feel like shit for hurting me. i wish i could understand others less and project my point of view more.

today i am happy for contentment. even though presently, i am not content. i am happy for the emotion, the idea, though it is fleeting today...it will arrive again soon enough.

Keep Your Heart, Cousin, Keep Your Heart

2008-01-22T13:04:00.001-05:00

18 years ago, yesterday, my little cousin was born. No longer a leggy little girl, this woman who is blossoming right before my eyes has a lot of challenges ahead of her. One, is that she is beautiful and personable, two attributes that can serve as a gift and a curse. Second, she is naive, yet exposed to the ills of the world due to overzealous parents, a horrible school system and, of course BET. And that is something ALL 18-year-olds in the city are faced with, so those aren't crippling blows.

But all isn't lost. And I haven't got her a present for her birthday just yet. Just because, I keep trying to think about the things that I needed as an 18-year-old that weren't given to me. And as corny as it is, I think the only thing I owe her is a stern talk about life. The life that, as an 18-year-old, nearly took me out.

I don't want to scare her. I just want to keep it real. Because no one ever kept it real with me. And I had no one to be honest with. I had no answers to any questions. I dared to question. I suppressed this eccentric, artistic, emotional, yet serious chick I was becoming. I wanted partying and bullshitting. Popularity and sexuality crippled me. I wanted all these things that grated against the real me. And boy, did I pay dearly for it.

So below is a list of facts that every 18 year old woman should know. Hopefully they will make the tumultuous time of early womanhood a little easier for my cousin.

1. Sex isn't all that.
You will have a better time admiring a boy from afar, singing about him, and lusting after him than actually having intercourse. Real talk. Get a vibrator and be the girl they all are waiting for. You will NEVER regret not sleeping with a boy.

2. Next year, you will probably have all new friends.
Or no friends at all. Here's the deal, in high school, the only problems you ever had to face with friends were about lip gloss and homework. It will get real in the next couple years. And it's okay, probably best to learn to manage your affairs on your own. The less people in your business, the easier solutions will come. Learn to have lighthearted friendships with most, and keep your truest self for a few.

3. You need a trade.
What are you good at? Figure it out fast. The older you get and the less you know who you are, the harder it will be to make money. And trust, the older you get, the more money you will need.
4. Don't have any kids before you are 25.
Now, this may be big cousin talking, but you have so many things to learn for the next couple years, don't burden yourself with the rearing of a child. Anything that's worth doing, is worth waiting for.

5. Condoms everytime.
20-somethings are a cesspool of disease. Real talk. Don't ever trust a man who wants to have raw sex with you. That means he has had raw sex with other chicks.

6. You don't need it.
Credit cards and other random things that can fuck up your money for years to come. Learn to be responsible with the little shit you got, and I believe wholeheartedly that God will reward you with more. Learn to budget, learn to save, and splurge on experiences instead of things. I'd rather have a week's vacation instead of a couple pair of expensive ass shoes.

7. Keep Your Heart, Part 1
Don't end up in jail over any man. Control your temper and learn to ride your emotions. Being a woman can be a rollercoaster. Before you act on any emotion, think of your diginity...maybe not the woman who you are, but the woman you want to be. Don't be influenced by anyone to act a damn fool...man or woman.

8. Keep Your Heart, Part 2
Guard yourself like you are a Brinks truck full of money. Don't put yourself in any situation with men to be taken advantage of. This includes emotionally, financally, physically, sexually and any other -ally that can harm you for years to come. The same with chicks. Don't ever give someone the advantage over you. Don't ever make anyone else's problems your problems. Learn to fight for yourself with words, actions and silence. If it comes down to you or them, pick you. Fuck them.

9. Forgive Your Parents
At sometime in your new future, you may become extremely pissed off at your parents for withholding something, not giving you something, or not being what you needed. Well, if they knew better they would do better. Evaluate who they are, and how they have enhanced you life. Also, take note of how they have hindered you. With that information, work on finding healthy ways to fill those voids. And forgive them for not being perfect. Because they probably had similiar beefs with their parents. It's up to you to break the generational curse.

10. Be Yourself
Trust the innate intuition that God gives you as a woman, and embrace your quirks. Take time out to learn something new everyday. Be open to everything and attached to nothing. Be flighty and free. Not because you are...but because you can. You have the world in front of you, so put youself in as many new situations as possible to learn who you are. Set personal goals and accomplish them. Learn to do any and all things you can in life.

Not Stoppin'

2007-12-31T09:17:00.000-05:00

You think when you give this
You think I don't need it
You think when I breathe in
That pain is releasing
You think when I'm scratching
You think when I'm moaning
I'm up in a zone and
I think I'm at home
You know I love when you do that
You know that I want it
You know when I touch it
I can't get enough
My mouth waters for it
My fingers electric
Your technique's eclectic
I think I'm in heaven
I think I went higher
With that last moment
My words are on fire
I don't know what I'm doing
But it feels right
For the first time
You're reading my mind
I'm feeling sublime
I'm climbing Mt. Everest
With each interaction
Absorbing your movements
I'm diggin' your fashion
The fact that it happened
Makes me want it to happen
Only thing you're distracting
Is how lonely I am
I think when you move me
It's more than my body
I think when you touch me
It's more than just topical
I think you're inside me
The feelings arriving
Your conversation's enticing
Just continue inviting me
Stretch and enlighten me
I think you exciting me
You think when you give this
You're filling one hole
But, your tickling my soul
You're changing my stroll
You're making control
More like an option
I'm thinking of stoppin'
But I'm not stoppin'
I'm not stoppin' it
I'm not stoppin' this
Hell no I'm stoppin' this
Nothing is topping this

My Favorite Things 2007-Part One

2007-12-30T10:16:00.000-05:00

The Albums Edition

2007 wasn't a bad year in music. That's a sentence that your favorite music critic would probably cringe as they read. In retrospect, pop music is becoming more diverse, as niche rappers (crack rap) seen more mainstream presence. With the rise of diversity on the singles charts however, the album continues to suffer.

Long gone are the days where pop artists got double and triple platinum. Shit, I remember N'Sync selling 10 million albums in the late 90s. With more and more artists and record labels focusing on the immediate bang for their buck, the album has suffered. I don't knock artists who can make a cool million off of a catchy hook and sone ringtones. But, in this short attention-span day in age, special consideration must be given to those artists producing cohesive, well-conceptualized pieces of work.

So below is a list of my favorite albums of the year. There has also been a host of albums I didn't get to while entertaining all of the other new music I've been listening to. There are a couple I just haven't listened to yet (Get Back by Little Brother and The Big Doe Rehab by Ghostface, just to name a few). If it's hot and I didn't mention it, I haven't heard it!

If You Don't LiKe These Albums, Kill Yourself (Not Really)

American Gangster by Jay Z

Hands down, the best album of the year. Each track is potent and progresses the concept of the album. Jay Z at his most passionate since the Black Album. After a string of halfhearted attempts at a comeback, true Jigga fans can see the swagger, lyrical prowlness and maturation of their favorite rapper in American Gangster.

Back To Black by Amy Winehouse

Sadness and abuse in its most beautiful state, Amy Winehouse drags us through the ruins of her broken heart, while recruting some of hip hop's finest emcees as collaborators (Ghostface Killah, and Pharoah Monche and Jay Z on remixes). Showing that pop music can be vivid and soulful, as long as Amy Winehouse doesn't end up overdosing, she has more than proved herself with this collection of interesting and witty music.

Ear Drum by Talib Kweli

Talib has everything for every type of hip hop fan, hence his opening track Everything Man. Providing the best mix of intelligent, yet bangin' hip hop, you can't go wrong with any of the stunning tracks on this CD.

Finding Forever by Common

Common more than met his goal for creating "forever music" with this gem, as he continues to create and stretch his niche in adult contemporary hip hop music. Though his main producer, Kanye West, continues to overshadow him in the media, Finding Forever more than overshadows West's efforts.

Left by Eric Roberson

Your favorite artist's favorite artist, Erro raises his own bar with a futuristic, soulful collection of ballads that work as uptempo songs and dance grooves that can be slowed down. Basically, the most versatile soul record probably since Roberson's last attempt. Definately an artist at the height of his artistic game, and his growing legions of fans are always anticipating his next move.

The Real Thing by Jill Scott

Big girls do cry, sorry Fergie! Jill Scott is probably the most believable when it comes to mixing vulnerability, lonliness, pride, sex appeal and overall femininity. On her latest, and probably most underrated work, Scott goes through a kalediscope of emotions after her recent divorce, but manages to keep her confidence and artistry at its peak.

Honorable mentions to: Desire by Pharoah Monche, Introducing Joss Stone by Joss Stone, The Return of the Magnificent by DJ Jazzy Jeff, Graduation by Kanye West

Sooner Than Soon

2007-12-26T16:39:00.000-05:00

My skirt was up
Before my mind was ready
But my thoughts were set
I wanted the exposure
My legs tanned
Your hands like sunrays
Your touch like fire
I wanted to feel that heat
My body spoke the things
That tripped my tongue
My moaning wrote the verbs
The feelings that lacked words
These feelings, they are so absurd
Considering the time that created them
But consideration means nothing
When you insert yourself inside my life
Using no quotation, nor comma splice
Our next congress, won’t be sooner than what I like
Are you gonna allow me
To be seen like I’ve never been
Do you want to view
The Antarctica of my schemes
Underwear covering my pretty things
You know you want just a little peek
I’m trying not to time this
But I want this
Way before later and closest to now
Sooner than how I breathe in and you exhale
Right after I once again attempt the details
You make patience overrated
Waiting has been derailed

In Love With Girly Things

2007-12-18T13:42:00.000-05:00

All of this drab talk of soul searching and finding oneself has got me all gray and depressed. Luckily, in the past couple days I've experienced everything that could have possibly made me feel better. Good sex, weed, Moscato, new music and hot buys. Call me shallow...but at least I'm smiling.

I saw this watch:

On KarmaLoop.com, and pretty much had an orgasm. I am a chick who likes trinkets and whatnot, but never really dug small delicate watches. I've always loved men's watches a lot more than women's. Well, this particular watch, by Nixon, is the perfect mix of feminine detail and the kind of presence that men's watches have. Utterly cute chic.

I am also digging Alicia Key's song, I Need You off of her new album As I Am. If you haven't heard it, the funky drum info, unfolds to a lush set of lyrics that pairs some of natures more obvious occuring couples.

In the first verse, she sets up her argument:

The sand loves when..the waves come The sky can't wait...for the light of the sun

And then she sets up here most compelling lyrics she may have ever written:

North needs south east needs west...No needs yes yes yes Up needs down life needs death...No needs yes yes yes

The sweet yearning in her voice is made lighter by the uptempo funkiness of the song. Though I think Alicia Keys is a tad overrated (tad=probably more than 50 Cent), I believe that her willingness to be unconventional has gotten her this far. In No One, she takes a song that could easily have been conventional...with its sort of hip hop stomp and her typical piano stylings, and sings it achingly reggae with synthesizers toward the end. There is something about her sound now that is more unique and mature. It is more reminiscent of Lauryn Hill than Amy Winehouse's sound, real talk. It's strong yet womanly. On top of that, she is the most stunning that's she's been her whole career.

I wouldn't call this a crush, but all of that coupled with her new video with Common makes me like her a lot more.

So, there are the men who like you in life. And then there are the men who you wished liked you more. And then there are the one's you develop sort of unique emotions for. Someone who you want more of, but not in a hindering way. I want his time, but I don't want to take his time away from anything else he's doing. I want his attention, but sparingly. Something similar to the Moscato and weed we ingested as we chilled the other day. Both are potent in flavor...so must be imbibed sparingly.

If I had to use two words to describe him, they would be masculine and wordly. Or maybe music and sex. Or maybe creativity and swagger. Hmmm...

How Amy Winehouse Changed My Life

2007-12-12T09:30:00.000-05:00

" I think maybe your word choice is affecting your thoughts....or maybe vice versa"

--my homie Damon in the midst of one of my freakouts

Or maybe it's my music choice? Because this year has been the most somber, in terms of my emotions. Most of the time I would rather be sulking. Was that Amy Winehouse's fault?

Because ever since her American debut Back To Black entered my life, all of the silver linings of my clouds have been eroded. There is this soulful, yet corrosive underbelly that has developed in me. Everytime I hear Rehab, in spite of the clap-inducing music, the tone is clear. This song is about a chick at the brink of a breakdown.

Even when witty, as on Me and Mr. Jones, Amy Winehouse is dealing with the indifference of her mate. On Tears Dry On My Own, Amy takes the upbeat tone of Ain't No Mountain High Enough, and turns it into a declaration of lonliness. Amy's imagination gets the best of her on Back To Black, where she describes the other woman's wetness on her man's dick. In the video she actually has a funeral for her broken heart. Damn.

I usually can't control myself when I hear Love Is A Losing Game. It embodies just about everything I've felt about love up to this point. And after playing Wake Up Alone over and over again, I had to deal with the reality. I never really had a man who wanted to hold me all night, wake up next to me in the morning. No one who has ever been crazy about crazy me. Or would put their own pride to the side for my love. And on He Can Only Hold Her, the blame goes internal. Maybe it's my own fault, being a distant lover, and I need to address my own commitment issues. I'm only 26. Shit, maybe it's time to let some shit go.

Is it that Amy Winehouse turned me into a drinking, crying, lonely mess? Or is it that I was never comfortable with how emotionally bankrupt I really was until I heard her music? Because before Amy Winehouse, I never allowed myself to mourn over my broken heart. I was a trucker, and trucked on taking blow after debilitating blow. Every man I was dealing with was on the down low. Every love that I was seeking was hidden. But with Amy Winehouse made me confident in my sadness. Her music makes me feel like, it's okay to be feminine and lush with complexity. And sometimes that complexity isn't pretty. But it's real. So this year, I think that I became a lot more up front with myself and my own emotions. And I have to credit a majority of the growth to Amy Winehouse. I just hope she stays alive long enough so that I can see her live.

Cheri Dennis interview

2007-12-10T11:20:00.000-05:00

Cheri Dennis: At Last

By Donna Marbury

Cheri Dennis is signed to one of today’s most iconic record labels. As a Bad Boy Records recruit since 2001, she has worked with Sean “Diddy” Combs’ impressive roster, including Ma$e, Danity Kane, Faith Evans and Yung Joc. With a resume that solid, fans suspected an album was quickly coming.

As her powerful voice and lyrics blessed the Bad Boy team, her own solo album suffered from label politics. Six years later, Dennis is ready to present her body of work, but not in the conventional way that most R&B acts release a new album. The Cleveland native, who demanded Diddy’s attention by grabbing the mic at an industry party, is no stranger to taking risks. That’s why debuting her new album, In And Out Of Love, on iTunes three months before it hits stores was a risk she was willing to take.

Whether Cheri Dennis can be one of the first R&B singers to pull off a digital coup of the music industry is yet to be seen. Below she chats about industry politics, being unique and trying to impress her often-stern boss, Diddy.

AllHipHop.com Alternatives: I know you are a promotional tour. Where are you now?

Cheri Dennis: Right now we are headed to Greensboro, North Carolina. I am on a radio tour. We started in Connecticut and are kind of working our way down the East Coast. So we hit Philadelphia, Washington D.C., Baltimore, and now North Carolina.

AHHA: Your new album In And Out Of Love, is being released this month on iTunes, which is three months before it comes out in stores. How did that strategy come about?

Cheri Dennis: It’s a digital world now. So pairing up with iTunes gives me a lot of exposure to an audience that might not necessarily know my music. I am excited that the company is behind me. It’s really, really dope because the concept is something that isn’t done with urban artists.

AHHA: I noticed your single was a free download of the week on iTunes. To be honest, people usually hate the free downloads that iTunes offered. But your song got some pretty good reviews from the people.

Cheri Dennis: I haven’t been online to see the people’s reaction. But I will definitely have to check that out. That made my day! Thanks for telling me that!

AHHA: There is a lot of variety of artists from Ohio. You being from Cleveland, how did the music scene inspire you?

Cheri Dennis: On an R&B level, I know I came from a lot of dope music. Gerald LeVert is from Cleveland and Avant is from Cleveland. Gerald LeVert had a huge following and was a great performer. So, I pride myself on striving to be a great performer too. Being that I’ve lived in New York for a long time now, I don’t know how I fit into the Cleveland music scene now. But that’s where I’m from so I know I still have Cleveland in me.

AHHA: So the story goes, you approached Diddy and sung live for him at aparty. What were you thinking when you did that?

Cheri Dennis: I was thinking I want a deal! I wasn’t scared. If I was, I might not have gotten a deal. I just went with my heart, and let my talent shine.

AHHA: Do you remember what song you sung?

Cheri Dennis: I was just freestyling over the music that was playing. I don’t think I sung an actual song.

AHHA: Diddy seems likes he is real intimidating, especially with new artists, like on Making The Band. Is he really like that in person, or is that just for TV?

Cheri Dennis: He’s really like that in person. He is a very intense guy who is really serious about music. So yeah, he is definitely that intense.

AHHA: Did he ever make you walk to get him cheesecake?

Cheri Dennis: [laughs] No, I never had to walk to go get cheesecake. But I would have! I would have walked right across that bridge, if that what I had to do!

AHHA: Your solo project has been pushed back several times. What’s the reason behind that?

Cheri Dennis: I mean, part of it is the usual label politics. There are always issues between the artists and the labels. We’ve had a few creative differences. There has been a lot that has happened since last year. We needed to regroup, add some songs, subtract some songs. Basically, we proofread the album since the original release date in June.

AHHA: So tell me about the album.

Cheri Dennis: The album is called In And Out Of Love. When we were going into it, we didn’t even have a concept. But as we listened to the songs we had, the overall theme was the ups and downs of relationships and love. But the album is not full of ballads, though it’s all about love. Even the songs that are out of love are upbeat. The recording process was fun; we had been at it for a long time, so I’m very proud of the product.

AHHA: There are so many female singers in the marketplace now. How do you feel you are distinguishable?

Cheri Dennis: I don’t think I fit in at all. The single doesn’t really sound like anything that is on the radio right now. I have a sound that’s all my own. I’ve always been looked at apart from other female singers. Luckily, I’ve never really been compared to too many people. When I was younger, people said I sounded like Brandy. But since I’ve been a professional singer, I haven’t heard that. I’ll leave that for the people to decide.

AHHA: What do you like the most, and the least about being in themusic industry?

Cheri Dennis: I love connecting with people through music. Music is a universal language. It gets people through the tough times. The best part is being that inspiration. The worst part is the politics. But I guess that’s in any field. When it’s not just about the music, I hate it.

AHHA: What’s your favorite Bad Boy song?

Cheri Dennis: There are so many. “You Used To Love Me” by Faith Evans is one of my favorites.

AHHA: What is a song that came out in the past year that you wish you could have sung?

Cheri Dennis: “Umbrella” by Rihanna was hot. It was so outside the box. She pulled it off though. You can say what you want about Rihanna, whether you like it or not, she came with it. Not everybody can pull off that, “ella, ella.”

http://allhiphop.com/blogs/alternatives/archive/2007/12/10/18925632.aspx

UnEasy

2007-12-06T11:44:00.000-05:00

"I lie awake
I've gone to ground
I'm watching porn
In my hotel dressing gown
Now I dream of you
But I still believe
There's only enough for one in this
Lonely hotel suite
The journey's long
And it feels so bad
I'm thinking back to the last day we had.
Old moon fades into the new
Soon I know I'll be back with you
I'm nearly with you
I'm nearly with you"

Destiny, Zero 7

Here's the truth about this whole dating thing. As of today, I am believing that the love of my life has been wrestled away from me, in a series of unfortunate events. I feel like my needs, which were filled by him, are now barren. I see his complimentary traits dangled in front of my face, yet out of my grasp.

I feel pathetic sometimes, because I’m not as nearly healed from this as I believe I should be.

So all of the talk of dating and settling down that I’ve been doing lately is in vain. Because all of the guys I meet never give me the feeling the dreaded ex did. And if they do give me that feeling, it’s only a cheap duplication.

The lesson I believed that I was learning, is that there are no substitutes for feelings. Because someone or something is taken away from me, I shouldn’t try to replace that loss. I should deal with the loss, cherish my memories, and look for something equally, yet oppositely fulfilling.

However, what has been presented to me is nothingness. There is no filling this void. Or explanation for the void. Or hope that this void will ever be filled again.

The possibility of getting that spark out of life again is gone. Should I be hoping to achieve this spark on my own? I don’t know if I am ready for that level of independence.

I hate not being able to communicate. I hate when things lack clarity. The facts are that the misery I feel today, is just as intense as the day the dreaded ex bailed. It’s debilitating at times, when songs, mere mentions of his name punch me in the stomach. Will that immediate hurt ever go away? And who will want to deal with me in the broken state?

So, the dating game is just that. A game, a time filler that temporarily takes my mind off of my own emptiness. Pouting about it doesn’t help it. Thinking about it is constant. Correcting it is futile. I give the ignorant boys the ignorant shit they want. I get my ear bent off by the ones that need my comfort. And my own growth just deteriorates.

You Know You Love Donna!!!

2007-11-28T10:47:00.000-05:00

Me with about 30 more pounds of makeup and skank.

I have a strong desire to start my own dating show, ala I Love New York. I think it’s an excellent idea to explore all of my options at once. It’s kind of a turn on to have several men vying for your attention. I’ve talked to my mother about this, my sister and my close friends. They all believe me to be nuts.

Nevertheless, it is hard to kill a fantasy. So considering the men I have currently in my pool, I’ve devised a crude, yet effective means of tracking my affections for them. I’ve made up nicknames and vague descriptions of these guys, in the hopes that I can make the best dating decisions for me. I’d love to go out with each of them and then compare notes, but seeing that I’m busy as hell, that would take months. So I will go out with one of these fellows, if you tell me to, I promise.

Suave

This brother is clean and collected. He would have been a Kappa if he wasn’t such an individual. He’s career driven and hard working. A nice dresser and is always immaculate…from conversation to cologne.

Pros: Suave is stable. He’s one of those guys that you can take anywhere and knows how to handle himself in social situations. He’s sexy, but not overt. His lowkeyness is a nice compliment to my sometimes big personality.

Cons: Is this dude for real? Does he ever laugh or stumble or get drunk and loosen up? As much as I like stability, this guy’s “Courvoisier and Small Talk” attitude is kind of boring me.

Hood Figga

I met him in a club, on some ignorant shit. I could tell he was immediately enamored with me. He’s from the hood and has never touched natural hair before. He’s got the gutter passion in his eyes. He’s from Cleveland, has no kids, a steady job and a big ass dog.

Pros: He is pretty much impressed with all of my quirkiness, which I think is cool. He has sort of a hood sophistication that I think is sweet. He wants a family, has a core of responsible friends and isn’t looking for drama. That’s cool.

Cons: He’s still on BlackPlanet, and his friends call him Pooh. I’m not sure about his personal style…and though he likes the artsy, funky thing I got going on now…will he understand me in the long run? Plus, Donna’s not so sure she’s ready to move to Cleveland and live with somebody’s big ass dog.

Mr. Connecticut

The most cosmopolitan of all the men I know, this guy is heavy into music, nice things, culture and living life. He’s from the East Coast, and has this Hip Hop individuality that I really love. He’s older and more mature than me, so a lot of my mind games and shit don’t work on him. He needs a woman who wants to be a jetsetter and is looking for the finer things in life. He offers me a lot more opportunity and probably has the most appeal.

Pros: This guy is pretty hot. Not only in the looks department, but he gives me the most opportunity to get my Beyonce “Upgrade U” on. He wants a woman who can do for him what Martin did for the people. He wants to go to London on a whim. Yet he still has this regularness about him. He’s big into culture, and I love that. He says he wouldn’t mind me moving east with him, and exploring myself as an artist while he pays for everything. Ay bay bay.

Cons: This nigga is a little too cool for school. He has stood me up like three times and some of his love for me seems a little too good to be true. His expression that he needs a woman in his life sometimes seems like he wants somebody to do all the shit he doesn’t want to do. He has two kids, one who just learned how to drive. Umm, Donna and a 16 year old…I don’t think so!

Mr. Keys

The newest of the bunch. This guy is chock full of personal style and creativity. He plays the piano, and because I have a weakness for creative men, I really, really want to see him stroke those keys. He’s very passionate about everything he does. He’s a gentleman and has no kids.

Pros: This is the guy I’m the most curious about. He’s witty, yet the most mysterious. After seeing him out and about, I probably think about him the most. He always leaves me something to remember him about….especially his casual references to his sexual technique and whatnot. Yeah.

Cons: There are a couple very distinct things about this guy that makes me not want to date him. First off, he’s short. Not like, short for a chick. I mean, short, like 5’4 or something. Every time I see him in the club, I have to slither down the wall in order to get on his level. Second, I’ve slept with his friend. It wasn’t anything serious, and it wasn’t even good. But it happened…I mean, I don’t care…but I don’t know what he would think about it. Third, I don’t think he’s used to dealing with women like me. So I’d have to cut him if he ever made a big deal about sleeping with me. Fourth, this would obviously be more about sex than finding a real relationship. I don’t see me bringing this short nigga to my parents’ house.

Fantasy Boy

The threat to everyone in my dating pool. Probably the most flawed of all my prospects, but the one I have the most chemistry with. We work well together. We challenge each other. We are both weird. He’s pretty much the hottest guy I’ve ever nailed and the only one who pushes my buttons. If he were stable and committed, he’d be the one.

Pros: A perfect combination of smart, wit, personal style, creativity and introspect. He isn’t even threatened by the idea of me dating other men, and that confidence is sexy. I see myself becoming more of a zany artist under his tutelage. The only guy I’m really passionate about.

Cons: He’s unstable. He’s broke. He has baby mama drama. He has ex-girlfriend drama. He has random hoe issues. He can’t be monogamous. He’s jealous. He’s lazy. I don’t think his momma likes me and his family is loony. He can be tacky and low ball his talent. There is a fantasy life I see us living, but then again, I can see myself taking care of him, being knocked up, with Kool-Aid red weave, chasing chicks away too.

Cadillac

This is the guy that reminds me the most of my father. He is somewhat quirky, yet very stable and knows how to take care of a woman and a family. He was an ex-boyfriend from college who I told needed to change…and he did. Now, he is focused on his career and getting ready to get married. He’s old school, and kind of country. He dresses nice and is a cutie baby.

Pros: Cadillac is the guy who knows and understands me the most. He lets me be me and isn’t scared by my weirdness. He gets the thumbs up from my sister. He wants to take care of me….shit, he took me to Las Vegas and I didn’t pay for a thing! He has a cool job on the West Coast and says I can come stay with him.

Cons: Probably the least passionate of all of the guys, I know Cadillac wants me…but he isn’t charming. He only knows how to do it one way; hard and fast. He isn’t romantic in the least, and can be kind of cheap. He wants to do the same thing for the next 30 years and that’s it…I may get bored with that. He’s also jealous and very, very light skin.

So who should I go out with?

Interview with Aaron Levinson @ AllHipHop.com

2007-11-19T23:25:00.000-05:00

Aaron Levinson: Fixing a Musical Salad
posted Monday, November 19, 2007 11:00 AM

By Donna Marbury
Long before your favorite DJ was cutting and scratching, Aaron Levinson was crossing genres with some of contemporary music’s most talented musicians. The music veteran has 16 albums under his belt, along with several Grammys and Billboard Awards. But, trying to describe his music category is difficult, because Levinson has composed and produced music from around the globe.

So why is this important to Hip Hop? Because Levinson has just released the multi-genre project called The Harlem Experiment, which may be the only place besides 125th Street in Harlem where you can hear a mix of Jazz, Latin, Hip Hop, Funk and even Jewish music. On the heels of his other critically acclaimed projects, The Philadelphia Experiment and The Detroit Experiment, Levinson has once again assembled a stellar team including Queen Esther, Olu Dara, Taj Mahal, Mums, and Larry Legend to tell the story of one of America’s most culturally rich cities.

Levinson explains his love for genre blending, and how he misses the times when Hip- Hop took more risks. If you ever wanted to know where to start your Jazz collection, Levinson gives some suggestions, and even hopes that Harlem’s most infamous rap crew The Diplomats, would stop by his studio.

AllHipHop.com : Philadelphia and Detroit were the first two cities in your Experiment series. Why was Harlem chosen next?

Aaron Levinson: I lived in Harlem for a number of years, so it's a place that I had a lot of first hand experience with and a neighborhood that I grew really fond of while living there. Detroit was very interesting, but Harlem to be honest with you, reminded me a lot of Philly. By New York standards, it's a very accessible neighborhood. It's not like the rest of Manhattan, where there are giant, towering high-rises. In Harlem, there are a lot more private homes and corner stores. Harlem is a lot more human. That's how I would describe it. Coming from Philly, there was something about Harlem that felt very much like the world that I knew. And it was comforting, because New York can be a very intimidating place.

When I first moved there, I lived downtown, I was on 18th and Broadway. And there were towers everywhere. By the time I moved uptown, I thought that it was much more like where I came from and was familiar with: restaurants, corner stores and barber shops, you know? I was like, OK, I'm home. That was a good feeling, and that feeling of kinship never left me even when I moved out of New York. I always felt like Harlem was a place I have affection for.

When the opportunity came up to do another Experiment, there is not more you can say about Harlem besides the fact that it's pretty much the center American culture. When you walk down 125 th street, there's nothing like it. You just get goosebumps. You walk past the Apollo Theater, and it's like, everything happened here! It's a place where you feel the ghosts of so many important cultural movements and figures that made their mark there. Harlem's going through another one of its periodic renaissances. So, I also felt like this was a good time to explore Harlem, because it’s really on such an upswing now.

AllHipHop.com: So how do the changes in the Harlem area affect the music and art scene?

Levinson: Now there are a lot of people, like Queen Esther, who sings on the record, who moved from Augusta, Georgia to be a New Yorker and to apply her trade as a singer. Harlem is a place that clearly had a great deal of influence on her. She’s fundamentally a jazz singer and she just thought, wouldn’t that be great to be a part of that cultural continuum, even though she’s not from Harlem. So I guess in that way, Harlem is acting like a cultural magnet. That is a very powerful idea.

Then you get somebody like Taj Mahal, who sang on the record a song called "Reefer Man," who is originally from Harlem. He moved away to Massachusetts when he was a teenager. So for him, it was like a return to Harlem. That’s always interesting. I feel like the records would be different if you didn’t bring people back to their hometown.

AllHipHop.com: With so many different generations and cultures of people in one small area, like Harlem, how does music play a part in bringing those people together?

Levinson: One of the things I was really trying to do with the Harlem Experiment was to tell a tale of one neighborhood, but of a lot of different histories that go to make up the neighborhood. America is a culture that is obsessed with separating things. All too often it’s done at the expense of a story that crosses over lines. You end up with a very one-sided explanation of things. In doing the Harlem Experiment, I knew I wanted to make this record a cultural salad. I didn’t want it to be one thing. I think one of the gratifying results of doing this is that I’m getting response from every single musical and ethnic community that was a part of it. People that are Jazz fans are writing about it, people that are into Latin music are mentioning that. It proves to me that people have much wider ears that the categories would be able to contain.

AllHipHop.com: How would you go about introducing Jazz to a strict Hip Hop listener?

Levinson: Hip Hop, by nature to me, draws on different types of things. Maybe today, that’s less true. But certainly in The Golden Age of Hip Hop if you think of A Tribe Called Quest and De La Soul. That whole generation of Hip-Hop was throwing everything into the mix. It’s ironic to me now, with the music that was started with such an eclectic base that the Hip Hop audience is surprisingly conservative today.

I would introduce them to Soul Jazz first. Because I think that you stand a better chance of giving those listeners something that has a handle in there. If I played a Roy Ayers record or a Lonnie Liston Smith record or a Dorothy Ashby record, you can feel the beat, the keyboards…the vocals are soulful. I probably wouldn’t start somebody off with Coltrane, or Dizzy Gillespie or Miles Davis because that may be too much heavy artillery to roll out on a Jazz newbie all at once.

AllHipHop.com: Any specific songs?

Levinson: One is called "Song For My Father" by Harris Silver, the other one is "Caravan" by Duke Ellington and the last one is "So What" which is by Miles Davis. Basically, you can’t go wrong with those. If you don’t like that, you basically aren’t going to like the rest of Jazz.

AllHipHop.com: I actually get a kick out of getting CDs and finding the sample, then the original song. That is a practice that is kind of unique to Hip-Hop.

Levinson: That is what I really loved about where Hip-Hop was coming from at that time. There was a direct linkage to the history of American music. Guys like DJ Premier and other really talented DJs that are real crate miners. They were listening to all kinds of music. So you would be listening to Hip-Hop, but you were discovering all these other things. As samples become less a part of Hip Hop and there is more programming, it’s less likely you are going to discover the history in the way that you might have in the past. Obviously there are economic reasons to why that happened. Samples became very expensive and labels couldn’t make albums with a lot of samples in them. Ready To Die, by [Notorious BIG] couldn’t be made today.

AllHipHop.com: Are there any Hip Hop songs that you would like to change, maybe add live music or make it a totally different genre?

Levinson: That’s the major part of who I am, so I am always thinking of ways to mix things up in a new way. Just because I love to do it. I would like to hear "I Left My Wallet in El Segundo" by A Tribe Called Quest as a country song.

AllHipHop.com: That’s definitely a country story line!

Levinson: I could hear it with fiddles, it would be great! Someone’s got to do it. Some really hip country artist has got to do it! It would be a smash!

AllHipHop.com: What other cities are you considering experimenting with?

Levinson: We talked about Kingston, Jamaica. Kingston has a pretty interesting Jazz scene, that I don’t think a lot of people know about, and has for a long time.

Paris is the only place that is as good as America when it comes to Hip-Hop. British Hip- Hop sounds rushed and super sped up. Every rapper sounds like Twista. In France, there are a lot of African, Haitian and Caribbean people. So there is a multicultural community. I’m really interested in that, along with the long, proud history of Americans living in Paris, like Josephine Baker. She was a part of a generation that brought Jazz to that nation that embraced it. They probably listen to way more Jazz than Americans.

I’d like to experiment with New Orleans, but I’m a little worried because the city has been overexposed. I’ve been there a number of times and it’s a lot like a French city. There are a lot of artists and a lot of young people who play instruments and aren’t considered band nerds.

AllHipHop.com: Yeah, I could hear Lil’ Wayne over some Jazz too.

Levinson: Lil’ Wayne is very rhythmic. He would be great over Jazz music. People I know who has worked with him say that is constantly coming up with rhythms and is a very creative person. I like that he is always pushing boundaries.

AllHipHop.com: Who else in Hip Hop would you like to work with?

Levinson: There were two people I wish I would have gotten on the Harlem Experiment. Nas because his dad, Olu Dara was on it. We thought we were going to make that happen. I could see Dipset on the record too. I could see the Diplomats, particularly on the first song, "One For Jackie." After the album came out, a lot of people asked me why The Diplomats weren’t on it.

AllHipHop.com: Maybe they would be down to do a remix.

Levinson: Well, I’ll use AllHipHop.com to formally request them. Come on down, guys!

http://allhiphop.com/blogs/djsproducers/archive/2007/11/19/18891526.aspx

Another Late Night...

2007-11-13T00:51:00.000-05:00

That silence sense of content
That everyone gets
Just disappears
As soon as the sun sets
I Wake Up Alone, Amy Winehouse

I can't remember the last time I slept soundly.

12:30am

I'm mad I washed my sheets
That's why I can't sleep
His smell is gone
It's only aromatic in my emotions
And reactivating with tears
Just won't work

He wouldn't want to see me cry
Well, he doesn't want to see me live
Because there is no way to unlight a match
My tears are just as intense as
Any raging fire

All of the adoration in the world
Is nothing
Like his kiss
I melt in his presence and
Stick to his charm
The apparitions of his smiles
Haunt me
How will I ever sleep soundly again

He knows nothing of my sadness
My life is heavy
Like rainforest air
My emotions are so bloated
I can no longer fit myself

Everything about him
Keeps me awake nights
The length of his neck
The smell of his day after skin
The patterns in his messy hair
The lies he once told
Self mutilation
Is what we do to one another
When we aren't together
The only thing that keeps us apart
Is his inability to arrive

It's Pretty Warm Today...

2007-11-12T11:53:00.000-05:00

...in Ohio. Decided to write a poem about it.

Indian Summer

This isn’t poetry
The lines of symmetry that connect your tan skin
To my bronze
Are man made tangents
No stars collided and oceans parted to form this union
This lightheadedness
Is from the thin air
We both floated upon
Last night
The veil that is easily pierced
By your denial and my denial
The pending fall to Earth
Is expected

This temporary heat
An unexpected holiday
From the blistering cold
Won’t lull me falsely into calypso coolers and
Sunglasses again
Winters approaching
Whether we are creating adoration or
Constructing hate
There is no autumn in love
And definitely no Indian summers
Either our mercury boils
Our the cold kills

Because this isn’t poetry
And no matter how well dressed and impressive
Our unexpected meetings are
They are still fleeting
Still transitions
Between our everyday, all day loves affairs
And our imminent life apart
No matter how bright the nights
The red, oranges and yellows gleam
They signal the bleeding of life
Out of what was once vibrant

Crush Music

2007-11-06T15:15:00.000-05:00

"I got my pick and my shovel, I'm diggin' you...been lusting for you"
Sweet Sour You, Bilal

You like him...or her. It doesn't matter why, where, who and how. It doesn't matter if the object of your affection has a mate, or prior convictions or the baby mamas. You want what you want. Even if it's not what you need.

The most exciting phase of any relationship is that period before intent has been clearly stated. Before you know what intent is. That crush period, that time when all you can think about is your beloved. Especially when they don't know.

Maybe I'm crushing on somebody. Maybe I'm not. Being coy is one of my best attributes. Below is a soundtrack that can help you through those yearning periods in life.

Crush Music Mix
Crush by Zhane
Just Friends by Amy Winehouse
Prototype by Andre 3000
Breathless by Corrine Bailey Rae
When I See You by Fantasia
The Girl Next Door by Musiq
I Wanna Be Down by Brandy
Let Me Love You by Mario
You Don't Know My Name by Alicia Keys
Sweet Sour You by Bilal
The Lowest 1 Of My Desires by Van Hunt
I Want Her by Keith Sweat
My Fantasy by Guy
C.R.U.S.H. by Ciara
My Boo by Ghost Town DJs
I Want You by Erykah Badu
Like You by Kelis
Come Close by Common
Hey Lover by LL Cool J
Crush On You by Lil' Kim
Get You Home by Foxxy Brown
I Wanna Be Your Man by Roger & Zapp
Hello by Lionel Richie

My Interview w/ Martin Luther

2007-11-06T14:47:00.000-05:00

Martin Luther: Rock On

By Donna Marbury, AllHipHop.com

Playing a Jimi Hendrix-type in a ‘60s-era movie (that may be a 2007 critical darling) is a big surprise for singer Martin Luther. Known around the underground for his 2004 release, Rebel Soul Music, musician Martin Luther was known for being a Black rocker, who has toured with The Roots and worked diligently to carve his name into the rock/soul scene.

So how did a guitar-slanging, rebel soul singer get cast in a musical featuring music by The Beatles? Across the Universe (in limited release until October 12, 2007), is a trippy film featuring stunning special effects that chronicles a group of friends through the turbulence of war and the ‘60s. The movie, directed by Julie Taymor, features U2 front man Bono and actress Salma Hayek in cameos. Martin Luther is cast as JoJo, a role that allows him to flex his singing and acting chops as a primary cast member. In spite of the media whirlwind surrounding the film, including appearances on The Oprah Winfrey Show and Good Morning America, Martin Luther is still working on new music for his loyal fan base.

Martin Luther describes to us how a spur of the moment email response lea him to acting, and how fans of his singing haven’t seen the end of him yet.

AllHipHop.com Alternatives: I didn't know you were an actor. How did you get involved in the role of JoJo for Across the Universe?

Martin Luther: You know, I just spoke with Black Thought the other day. Used to ride with them boys worldwide. We conquered audiences, not just winning them over. We wrecked a few spots…code red! Blood on the floor and all that! Anyway, I hadn't seen or worked with the Legendary Roots Crew in a minute nor had I been around New York or in Philly. I was leaving New York back in mid-2005 after having just completed a UK tour and money wasn't lovely.

Right before I bounced to Cali, an email came to the label's inbox [Rebel Soul Records] requesting me to audition for a role in a musical/movie. I said, f**k it! Why not?I was game and the people caught a vibe from me. They requested a few callbacks and shortly thereafter, life started to change. I got the part of JoJo in a projected headed by Julie Taymor, based on Beatles’ music. I have to mention her name for her fantastic contributions to the arts.

AHHA: As a performer, of course you have to act a little on stage and in concerts. But how was it preparing for a movie role?

Martin Luther: I had quiet desires about acting. Not really wanting it to happen until the music was much more affirmed. That was me thinking like an artist and not a businessman with regards to the new millennium media savvy. I say that because possessing talent or not does not determine the probability of a product generating profit. And profit is revenue minus expenses. The business doesn't really differentiate discerningly. Either you are making it happen or trying to weather it in boxing, singing, modeling, rapping or telling the news. My previous pursuits were nationwide commercials and some indie projects. Then Dave Chapelle and Michel Gondry's Block Party movie happened and just reminded me of the power of the medium of film, which I studied in college – at Morehouse in Atlanta. So I quickly resolved my issues about being in front of the camera and ended up shooting a major motion picture within a year’s time.

AHHA: Tell me about the process of making films.

Martin Luther: It was a fantastic trip because of Julie's fearless style. She's bugged out so her works are very rich with expressiveness and meaning. It was like disappearing from my music life for six months. Eventually, I knew I would have to return but not before doing an episode for a TV show called Love Monkey and then being asked to audition for some major network TV shows as well.

AHHA: It sounds like the roles keep coming in! How much more acting are you looking to do?

Martin Luther: Well, if the acting keeps knocking, I'll keep answering the best I can. I am going to work on the skill and craft and not just rely on instinct as I'm learning about the true gift of channeling and performing for camera. I have much to learn but I'm a great student.

AHHA: What can the fans of your music expect from you in the near future?

Martin Luther: I’m back in the laboratory now. [Composer and producer] Kev Choice just sent over some of the latest tracks from his lab and some mixes of our collaborations. He's a movement by his self! He is a wickedly fluid music and beats producer/emcee and has been dueling with crowds from Oakland to Toronto and is now working up some monster songs with me for my new album, Serial Thriller.

AHHA: When is Serial Thriller coming out?

Martin Luther: When? As soon as it's right and ripe with that raw shit. I'm a lil’ bit Hip-Hop. I'm a lil’ bit rock n’roll!

http://allhiphop.com/blogs/alternatives/archive/2007/10/30/18676607.aspx

Whip Appeal

2007-11-02T14:17:00.000-04:00

"'Cause we got a way of talking/And it's better than words/It's the strangest kind of relationship/Oh, but with us it always works"

Whip Appeal by Babyface

What more could a girl want? Actually, scratch that. Women want a lot out of relationships. They want to be fully understood. They want happiness and reciprocity. I don't need all of that out of a man. I don't need high levels of acceptance.

This doesn't mean I'm cold as ice. That's the perception I've been trying to fight since I decided I wasn't going to be as giving in relationships. Just because my love is no longer an open book, that doesn't mean I won't entertain long looks.

This is hard to explain to people. Men are a lot more emotional than they think. And older ones are looking for stability and relationships. They are looking to lock it down with a wife. The are looking to be understanding and give a woman happiness and make her feel need constantly.

That's doing too much for me.

But I want to communicate. I want to disagree and be mad without causing drama. I want to be ecstatic and excited with just cause. I want my passion to erupt and ebb and flow throughout the relationship. I just don't want a man to make a big deal about it. I want a man who understands my whip appeal.

And has whip appeal of his own.

I heard the song, Whip Appeal, made popular by Babyface, on the radio the other day. And it explained exactly the kind of relationship I am looking for. See, I do a lot of talking and explaining and schmoozing for a living. With a man, I want it to be simple.

Come home and go hard. And not just sexually. Just someone who is ready to use all their senses to experience me. And leave the drama outside the door.

In the song, Babyface says, "whip all your sweet, sad lovin on me." Even the sadness of the world. Use it and express it while loving me.

That's the kind of man I want. One with whip appeal.

Just in case you need a refresher:

The Whip Appeal video (you know you wanna click it)

Young & Hot Boys

2007-10-24T16:19:00.000-04:00

I have this fantasy that some naive, striking, well-built young man is going to submit to my tutelage, wanting me to teach him the finer points of pleasing a woman. And because of this young boy fantasy, I have had some bad sex.

These young and hot boys don't exist. Have I not forgotten how sex with any man under the age of 25 goes. Lots of ass smacking and rough-housing. Bad choices in music and foreplay. Foreplay, if it occurs, is usually mimicing something he sees in some porn that hurts more than gets me excited. But pain and wincing gets young boys excited. Lots of shit talking and hard, meaningless thrusting with no attention to how I am feeling. No, I don't want your gold chain flapping against my ass when you are hitting it from the back. Take off your hat, and your socks. Turn off the Chingy and try some Marvin Gaye.

In spite of these bad experiences, I still have this notion that some young, impressionable beau would bask in my sexual experience, wanting to know all the finer points of climax. These boys are usually athletes, with chisled bodies and cocky mouthpieces, who promise to be ravishing between the sheets. But they aren't. So many are clumsy, fumbling, near-vigins, who can't handle 10 percent of my sexual tricks.

So I am killing my young boy fantasy today. No more sex with any man under the age of 28 (of course, over the age of 21). No longer will I believe that any man under that age is interesting in anything besides fulfilling some BET UnCut fantasy. I'd rather have an older hot boy any day.

Who Will Love Me In The Winter?

2007-10-17T15:53:00.000-04:00

I wouldn't have a second though 'bout the Fall
But I'm wondering who will love me in the Winter

Who Will Love Me In The Winter, Van Hunt

Oh shit. It's almost winter. All of the "good enough" men are being snatched up for fireplace snuggling. Pickings are getting slim. I didn't calculate my mental, get right plan to compensate for a winter boy. But I think I kinda want one.

So I decided that I almost think it is time for me to have conversations with men again. I haven't given out a phone number in a good four months. I can admit that I've been a little lonely and attention starved. I guess that's the first step.

But since my self-evaluation period, I've developed this laundry list of qualifications that I want out of a mate. A laundry list, not a end-all list...these are the only requirements list. I'm flexible.

Here is a list of requirements for the guy I would consider seeing over the next few months...or longer.

1. He must be able to tolerate my daily, obscure quoting of Jay-Z lyrics.

2. I only require one night/day a week of full on attention. Texting and instant messaging is highly recommended in other times of communications.

3. You know, I'd like to spend the night at a guy's house every now and then. It's been ages since I've spent the night somewhere.

4. Don't be weirded out that I don't mind talking about other women's physiques and shit. I'll even go to the strip club with you! I promise, it's not a trick.

5. He has to be a music lover. Yes, I will most likely argue more about why Lupe Fiasco sucks than you talking to another chick.

6. No chain restaurants, please. I'd rather spend $10 at a low key spot than $50 at Longhorn Steakhouse.

7. As far as style, I don't like guys who dress like rappers. I don't like guys who are ALWAYS dressed up either. But if we have to dress up, please don't be whiny about it.

8. Please have a life, and ways to fill your time. I promise on a stack of Sade CDs that I don't have to see you more than once a week. I am a busy, busy girl. On top of the fact that I am a introspective girl. I spend a lot of time alone. I don't mind hanging with friends and being friendly. But we don't have to be coupled up all the time.

9. Don't be intimidated by this PR thing I do, or overly impressed. PR is a seperate animal of its own, that requires to be extremely nice and almost flirty with other people. It requires me to have intimate conversations with important and/or famous people at times. It manifests nothing but business relationships and money.

10. Sex would be nice. Real nice.

Things I don't care about: cars, incomes, exes, shoe size, your jewelry, sports

I Have Writer's Block...

2007-10-15T10:35:00.000-04:00

...so I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. I'm writing about having writer's block. I have several pots on the fire at this time. First, I am on deadline at work for a couple stories. And usually, I have an idea, and the organization of the story easily just falls in line. Well, not today.

The frustration with that one story is throwing off everything.

Other things I am thinking about:

Crown Royal on ice (the song by Jill Scott, not the actual drink)

Having a fun and creative job

Losing weight/working out

Having sex on a regular basis

Passion, not sex related passion..just excitement, drive and initiative toward someone else

Instructional Sex Songs

2007-10-05T10:30:00.000-04:00

"10, put your hand on my chest, lovingly"

It's R.Kelly's fault. Yeah, I should probably get a shirt that says that. But the more I listen to J. Holiday's Bed, the more I hate R.Kelly. Let me explain.

That staccato drum beat that rattles J. Holiday's breakout hit is slanky and sexy. His voice is fair, and the premise is simple. Without being too crude, J. Holiday describes how a mixture of his pampering and his penis is sure to keep his sex partner drowsy. It's the step-by-step, instructional form of the lyrics that get to me. I don't like songs telling me what to do.

And that's R. Kelly's fault, because his 1993 song, 12 Play, is one of the most infamous instructional sex songs to date. It was a trendsetter. I can remember being a kid, and crowding around the speakers of my boombox, imagining all the crazy ways and positions R.Kelly was mounting his female. He even numbers the steps, making it even easier for you to follow along.

Ever since then R.Kelly, and many, many other R&B singers have been trying to top 12 Play is freakiness and instruction. Are people actually adhering to these instructions, making their love making more pleasurable? I mean, the descriptions in 12 Play are sung so fast, there isn't even enough to time to enjoy the moment. I don't need to hear R. Kelly screaming, "baby, spread your legs apart" in order to know that when I'm alone with a hot throbbing man, that is what I'm supposed to do.

Either these instructional sex songs make it easier for fumbling lovers to make good love, or they are made for the shock value. They are made for cackling women to debate, before sex is even scheduled with a man. Because I can't imagine being turned on by hearing the step-by-step explicit exploits of another person's sexual encounters, over an R&B beat. Now seeing them, that's another thing.

The Instructional Sex Mixtape

1. Bed, J. Holiday

2. 12 Play, R. Kelly

3. 24 Play, Janet Jackson

4. Alone, Jodeci

5. Sex Me (Part 1 & 2), R. Kelly

6. Freak Me, Silk

7. Do Me!, Bell Biv DeVoe

8. Love Scene, Joe

Anymore we can add to the list?

Paste You

2007-10-01T10:18:00.000-04:00

Boys I
Tape their mouths and
Cover their I eyes
I plaster them with glue and
Paste you
On their erected bodies, writhing and
Waiting to be one of a chosen few
Plucked out of the crowd
Escorted down the aisle
Waiting and willing to be featured in front of
The hot stage lights

Loving me
Isn’t as easy nor beautiful
Loving me is
Loving him too
You don’t need to know his name
To see the way he branded my body
To feel his impressions all over my skin
You don’t need to know our history
To be affected by his hauntings
See him scurrying across my eyes
If you already know me
You know him well enough

The boys who
Don’t mind wearing costumes
Pretending to be you
Are unfulfilling, like $3 gas prices
On a middle class budget
The boys who
Can’t wait to hibernate inside of my darkened dens
Are easily clubbed and emotionally assaulted
They awaken bruised and uncertain each morning
The boys who
Crusade after the holy grail of my heart
Don’t know that I am equal and opposite at hiding the truth

I can’t paste
Enough you faces
On enough boys
To come up with a fingernail’s length
Of passion that we used to share
But I tug hard for a hint of that rekindleness
If not the real thing
A facsimile will do

5 Minutes

2007-10-01T09:30:00.001-04:00

I sat staring into song after song, for at least five minutes. Nevermind the coffee maker's percolating or the fax machine's buzz. My phone lit up about three time. For five minutes or so, his face, out of nowhere, floated into my life. I am a slave of his thoughts. The world continues to turn around me. But sometimes my mind gets stuck at digesting what happened last spring. In procesing our demise, everything stops.

The sequence of events make perfect sense. The syntax of the story is sound and correct. The reasons behind each action are apporpriate. The brain approved and sanctioned each and every step to end this. But the heart, oh the heart, is weak.

Everyone sees is. We are both zombies to the world. Both heartless, emotionally irresponsible and reckless. Neither can manage our feelings. We both fumble at the mention of each other's name. I wrestle with the idea that you even miss me. I wrestle and I never win.

There is no solution. There is nothing, no Botox or physical therapy that will change the way my eyes angle down when thinking of you. There is no sponge to soak up my sulk. See, you may not see it. But I know it.

Five minutes later, life snaps its fingers and once again, I am at work. Coffee machines continue to percolate. Fax machines are still buzzing. And text messages and whatnot beg to be answered. Regadless of where I claim to be stuck in my heart, life is going on.

sex.revelations

2007-09-19T23:07:00.000-04:00

1. It is way cooler for women to be chronic masturbators than men.

2. Some sex doesn't count. If I don't shiver, it doesn't count.

3. Everyone should masturbate at work.

4. Men will do anything to seduce a woman. I swear, I'm never asking for it again.

5. Fantasizing about having sex with someone is usually better than actually having sex with someone.

6. Sometimes I watch porn and am totally disgusted.

7. Sometimes I watch porn and believe that the actors are totally into it.

8. I would never want to see a video of me having sex.

9. Why is it that men never find my spot? Are they trying to find it?

10. My sex mood can be drastically altered based on the music leading up to the sex.

11. Some men are really cute, really hot and really smart, but just not sexy.

12. Somtimes writing about sex is hotter than having sex.

13. What some people see as fuckable, I see as gay.

14. I should have sex in my office before I leave my job.

15. Women are sexier than men. There is nothing cute about a cold and limp penis. Cold and wet women are hotter.