Monday, October 5, 2009
Proud of Myself
I did something this weekend that was more important than all of my accomplishments. It was more significant than graduation, buying my own house and starting my own business. It was smarter than any Jeopardy clue I've remembered, or any marketing plan I've cooked up.
I prayed in spite of.
I have never been a big church person. I am saved, and loved the Lord, just like anybody else. And I yelled and cried to God when I was sad and upset. But I had never used my faith, really. To quote Medea, "The last time I prayed was when I seen a cop in my review mirror."
Well, that wasn't exactly true. My boyfriend and I had been praying together and asking God to remove and reveal anything that was keeping us from being closer to Him. My goals have been changing slowly, from focusing on business, money and happiness....to being closer to God.
This weekend tested it all. Sometime Saturday morning, while most were fast asleep or hungover (which I planned on being) I was in the hospital, diagnosed with lymphoma, with talks of starting chemotherapy on Wednesday. This couldn't be happening. I am 28 years old, maybe not in the best shape...but a vegetarian. Sure, I stupidly started smoking about 6 months ago, but I felt I could stop that any day. I couldn't have cancer.
I cried and panicked. My life unlived flashed before my eyes. I don't have any kids. I don't even have money to pay for this ER visit. I have so many people I need to forgive. So many debts to be paid. I never been to Europe...or New York City. I haven't seen my Grandmother in months. I have nothing to leave as a legacy. I can't be dying.
So I started praying. I didn't ask God for anything. I just kept saying "thank you God" over and over in my head. My brain was in full panic mode. But something in my spirit was thanking Him anyway.
One day later my prognosis changed from cancer to pneumonia. Two days later, I am out of the hospital, in no pain.
I don't know what physically has happened to my body. But my mind, my spirit is changed. You relationship with God is not always this mystical, poetic thing. It is super practical. A pastor recently said, you have to stop being so emotional about your relationship with God, and get it in your head. If you believe in God and what He says, you just have to incorporate it into everyday living, in spite of any situation.
I am proud of myself for applying the Bible to my real life. I can't quote you Bible verses word for word. But I can do what God wants me to do. I think He is proud of me too.