poems at 3:28AM

i don't want to leave you
i want to look into your face
remembering every crevice and scar
left by impatient teenage hands picking at imperfection
you are so imperfect
so customized
so scarce
i can only remember you for being gone
you aren't here enough

i don't hear you enough
because i don't listen
i don't relish in your every word
i don't roll around in every syllable
like i should

i can't help but to drown right now
in sleepiness
because i can't take my eyes off of you
my fingers so creamy with each caress
i lick your slickness before it dries
i miss you when you are here
because i know you will be gone soon

if only i were fit
if i exercised you more
if i called upon you
in sickness and in health
i need you more
than food and shelter
i covet you more than
peace and quiet

at 3;28AM
on one of the coldest nights in january
with no other priorities
i jerk you off
until no more words cum

fight/love

she called me too much today
not enough yesterday
cried when the plains of my patience were flooded
and was barren like the desert when i needed a cool friend
it's not the end
even though the days since we spoke last
outnumber the days we've talked

we loved like girls
rigorous and conditional
she hated inconsistencies
hated that i smoked cigarettes because of boys
calmed me when i drank too much and cussed too loud
collected buckets of tears, each labeled with new boys' names
i hated when she acted yet didn't listen

we fought in the night
in silence and secrets
in resentment hanging over each others heads
like trap doors holding spears
aimed at an intruder's heart
i hated that her beefs were old and rotten meats
that had been thrown out years ago
why did she go to junkyards
follow past transgressions to swap meets
find the worst of me i discarded
and bring them to my doorstep?
she hated my jeans and t-shirt attitude toward love
i was too casual

we fought and loved but always remembered to love
but now im not too sure
that love was at the root of our love
i passively pulled
she aggressively tugged
at the right to have dominion over one another

i called her so much one day
my hoarse voice was muted
she answered so much the next
my ears are bruised
i don't know if either one of us
is dignified or polished enough to be christened with the title
"best friend"
compromises sometimes are like
answers to tests
when you don't know the question

miss me

the day was calm
the wind swarmed between
my arms and billowed
my new white cotton
blouse
i was sitting on the porch
outside my house
money's tight and
i was without a couch

he called
he took baby steps
made even smaller talk
he simmered with emotions
he fought his thoughts
he asked in spite of his hesitation
"you miss me?"

i brought laughter from a place
darkened by shame
reddened by hate
chuckles that were watered by wet eyes
giggles that were buried in lies and matured out of cries
i took a drag off my joint and pictured his eyes
he was squinting with fear,
i imagined
the smell of hyacinths filled my senses
smoke and flowers colored my response
"why"

"nevermind," he replied.
"I hope everything is cool with you and your guy."
the wind picked up but not for long
before i decided if i wanted to push the subject
move on his question like wind through plastic bags
i took another drag and
dead tones were on my phone
that and the songs of wind chimes
outside my semi-suburban home

just like when he was here
he was gone

Full of Excitement/Not One Lull

"We like Ruby Dee and Ossie, Martin and Coretta, doin' it to death no one do it better, when we leave our physical our spirits still together."
Gettin' Up by Q-Tip

jacks

he scattered covered smothered our hearts
across grounds across yards
but there was no play
just girls jagged shooting darts
all in hopes
to be a part of the game

he had balls
that he bounced between gems
all of them lovers
a few of them friends
he juggled more than any of his brethren
carried all his eggs in one basket
which made him a legend

sometimes he'd pretend he wasn't taking
advantage of them
he'd gain fans and mesmerize
the most glamorous sharped-edged spikes
into laying in his eyesight
girls hoping to be onesies
settling for twosies
often times so woosie at being swooped into his hot, greasy palms
it would happen so fast and wouldn't be long, no

he scratched his knuckles to snatch me
sometimes he had an achey back or ashy knees
sometimes i rusted on playgrounds just waiting to be seen
others were easier to hold simultaneously
he scattered me so far one time i never came back
i layed in green mangers until i was nearly buried, sometimes attacked
but one day i grew legs
turned rusted angles into angel wings
and flew away from childish things and
charming kings maurading as princes

he never grew up and
shot craps
he never gambled with one love
and closed gaps
he surveyed the fields and
kept his pockets fat with
girls who weren't dumb
girls who weren't ugly
but girls who were comfy
being asphalted until grubby-handed game players
take their pick
regarding these jewels as if they were sticks

scary new orleans

so right now im in new orleans...this city is creepy as fuck. me and my boyfriend damn near got jacked in the french quarter tonite. this is after hearing about people getting killed a couple weeks ago. then the whole vibe here is just eery. people said i would feel it getting off the plane. neverthless, im not going to give up on new orleans yet. tomorrow (during the day) im going to try something cultural...and try not to be freaked out...

advantages

what are the advantages of being me in this time, in this family in 2009? am i using my advantages or waiting for 'what ifs'?