Divorcing Love To Marry Logic

Self professed... profound
Till the chips were down
...know you’re a gambling man
Love is a losing hand
Love Is A Losing Game, Amy Winehouse

We were at a tea salon. And my best friend's eyes wilted as I explained my uncomplex theories toward love. How it wasn't for me, and I was finally okay dealing with that fact.

"Wow...maybe you need to work on you," she tried to console. But see, this state of resistance did not bloom out of morose. It can from hard, stiff logic. Wanting what all those neo-soul songs prophesize about isn't reality.

How much more, does one supposed I tinker with this heart of mine? I am not looking to be perfect, or to stress myself out about my lack of perfections. I dig my hesitancy. I enjoy unattachment, sometimes. My stomach will never be flat. And I scream loud during sex.

Now, some of those items above are complete and utter turn-offs to men who may be compatible with me in so many other ways. Some of those items are perfection to an otherwise unattractive fellow. I've met them all. And matching up the skin with the brain is futile. Learning someone to leave them is painful. Opening up just to be criticized and asked to change is humiliating.

Maybe, because I have always been so close to my dad, I have received a certain kind of masculine love that a lot of women are just now being exposed to. I don't believe that a woman has to "fix herself" or rid herself of issues in order to be ready for marriage. That's what they tell you in church. But I do think some woman need love and companionship more than others. I also don't believe that we are all waiting for some perfect and special mate, whom we have to be ready for. People are married and stay married for all kinds of reasons. People get married, divorced and married again riding the wave of their human instability, chasing after hapiness. What works for some, may not work for others.

I won't pretend that I intend to stop being engaged and attracted to men. I am always intrigued to figure out the methods of a male. Men are equal opposites to me, and for most of my life I've been studying them in one capacity or another. I won't stop wondering and trying to understand masculinity. What I have stopped doing, is hoping for marriage and stability outside of my own. I have stopped expecting transperancy and monogamy. I don't believe in chance and romance and feeling like I've never felt before. At 26, I think I've felt as engaged and enamored as I am ever going to feel about another person who is not my child.

Love is for pop songs that rhyme and high schoolers who have never paid a gas bill. Love is for moments on dance floors and after drinks. Maybe during brunch. But not for the longhaul.