sometimey

it's been a week out of work. and i'm waiting for clarity. i want to shed all these constraints and stresses over my life. and live in this moment of privilege. this moment of youth.

i feel restricted right now. i have huge commitments. my house. my man. my hype. i don't know what i want to take with me on this big journey. i don't know what the journey is.

i can't loosen up as much as i want to. with the shedding of one issue (working full time), begets several more. commitments definately aren't what they are cracked up to be. i guess they are the boy scout badges of adulthood in america. accumulating strings ha bind one to jobs and familes equal maturity. the more jobs, the more cars, the more kids and husbands one accrues, the more active of a citizen they are.

me. i am sometimey. i like the idea of a lot of things. i like to imagine simplicity, complexity. but i'm not sure if i want to partake. i don't want to have to be pro or against anything right now. i just want to soak up and experience. how much does that job pay?

Paris, Tokyo...or Columbus??

"Let's go to sleep in Paris/ And wake up in Tokyo/ Have a dream in New Orleans/ Fall in love in Chicago"

So I've finally done the thing I've bitching about for the last couple years. I quit my job. My last day is two weeks from now.

My boyfriend is supportive. My friends are a little bewildered. My parents, in the words of Will Smith, just don't understand. But they are finally starting to understand my weirdness.

My exit strategy is built on my performance. With my knowledge and skills, I believe I can make as much, or as little money as I want. Since I've hooked up with my boyfriend, I have been given more opportunity than I ever have. People that I've wanted to work with, and things I've wanted to do have just been falling in my lap. He is super talented and gives me carte blanche when putting together marketing strategies for his music.

Quitting my job wasn't solely about him. It was about about really utilizing my talents and and believing in myself. But a lot of it was, that I believe that me and him together, focusing solely on our hearts desires, will be one of the most fulfilling things I could do with my life.

The question I've had the hardest time answering is the most obvious: "So what are you going to do?"

We've contemplated moving. Don't know to where. There will definately be more touring on his part, which means more money for me, and more networking. There will be more writing, more crazy ideas. More CBUSTED type things. More PR things. More Donna Marie things.

I look forward to attacking my ideas with the intensity they deserve. I look forward to going to Europe really soon. I look forward to getting married. I look forward to not devoting my whole day to ideals I don't subscribe to. I look forward to learning a multitude of things, and not being tied down to one thing. I do PR, yes. I also write stories and music. I have a class I will be teaching. A couple Websites to develop.

This is just the beginning for me. My heart and mind are full with love and possibilites!

mean n rude

My best friends suck. And they know who they are. And they've done it on purpose. They should feel like shit for the way they've treated me. I feel abandoned. I feel used. I feel like I have nobody to talk to.

My cousin asked me last night how she could get more friends. I told her life is better, the less people who are close to you. If I had to do it all again, I would have never become the social butterfly who I am.

Some of my friends expect me to be the drunk floosy who spent too much money and had way too much random sex...but was fun.

Some friends think they know better than me because they are better off and talk down to me.

And some friends are just mean n rude, treating my like their emotional punching bag!

I am losing everything right now. My house. My friends. My sanity. And people just say mean things and act rude without knowing how it effects others.

Even when I shouldn't care, I care. And I feel like a weak loser for that. It seems like everybody's life is so much better now that I'm not around. I just don't care anymore. Good riddance!

feeling discouraged...

I've applied for more than 100 jobs this summer, with no interviews. I've watched people less qualified than me get jobs that I wanted. I've had friends disappear over silly shit. I've been in an office for almost eight hours, in the silence with nothing to do...for three years. I haven't spoken more than 10 words since getting to work.

I've had people gassing me up all year about their ideas and plans and shit. I'm just not in it today, sorry...

Feeling 45% Wack...

...so my boy tells me to make two lists: one of things I want to do for money, the other of things I want to do for me.

Things I Want To Do ( For Money)
1. Write for a magazine (music, culture, travel, lifestyle)
2. Work for a PR agency where I manage different accounts
3. Learn about the music business (A&R, talent scout)
4. Go to college for graphic and Web design
5. Write for a newspaper (music, culture, lifestyle)
6. Sell/rent my house
7. Be a personal assistant for someone fierce or dope

Things I Want To Do ( For Me)
1. Exercise
2. Take art classes
3. Do more creative writing (songs, poems, short stories)
4. Photography
5. Learn to play the guitar
6. Drink wine & boba
7. Travel more

Dancing Around

I tried to clean my room all night. But the words kept forcing me to stop. And I finally made it into my computer room, but other distraction like MySpace tried to take me away from the way I was really feeling.

My boyfriend suggested to me earlier: why don't I just write out what I'm feeling. And the idea seemed foreign and scary, yet the only thing I know needs to be done. I'm going to do a lot of dancing around this subject, because as i stroke each key I really don't know where to begin. And what to write about. I don't believe in disclaimers, but given that this subject is extremely sensitive and personal, I'll have to say that what I feel now may be an emotion or something said out of anger, and not what is really. For once, I'll go into diary mode and just spill what comes to mind. I guess should start with me.

Presently I feel lonely. I feel abandoned. I feel neglected. I feel silenced by the anger and selfishness of others. I feel right and justified. I love Brandon. No one knows what his love has saved me from. Not even he does. And as long as we both believe that what we have now is nowhere close to what we will have, then I am going to fight for him and with him.

But this has nothing to do with him. It has to do with effective communications. People not knowing how to be respectful, direct and discerning when they speak. My sister, my best friend, my parents. They have all made decisions based on little or no information. I just want someone to listen to me. I don't need and never asked anyone to step in. Just listen and be respectful.

Today I gave up my car, and now I'm at home, alone. I haven't been without a car since college, and even then I didn't really need it. So I have yet to even adjust to this loss. 

My boss at work hates me. She wants to fire me. I barely talk to her and I hate being there. I don't put forth much effort and I don't fit in. I'm sure she's noticed. And the more I am unfocused, the more the case for firing me builds up. I have been physically ill and gaining weight. I am so stressed out. And I feel stressed because I'm not effectively communicating. I hate yelling. I hate when people are insensitive. I just want to be heard. Even if not agreed with.

If I am fired from my job, they won't know what that will do to me. NO ONE understands how their words and actions effect other people. Energy transfers, and as one person "blows off steam" it could be the fire to ignite someone else's rage. 

I am not joyous, yet I am content. I am not satisfied with my current condition, yet I am thankful for everything. For the laughs and the tears. For the aches and pains, and the ecstasy. I've been forced into seclusion many times, for valid reasons. I know I am being prepared for a time where I will be alone, not for lack of understanding, but because of distance. My family, my friends will soften their hearts and be more accepting. 

I just ask for the strength and endurance so that I have my head in the game, instead of letting sadness take over me. I am a shell of my usual self. I pray that God can fill me again.

Doing What My Horoscope Says, Part Deux

Today's Cancer Horoscope: May 19, 2008
If you were offered the opportunity to
take off on a trip around the world, where you would see wonderful palaces and
experience a timeless love affair, would you take it? The total freedom would
tempt you, without a doubt. But would it make you entirely happy, dear Cancer?
Have you considered the possibility that you can create an environment right
here at home that gives you that same sense of freedom?

Let's see...recreating the feeling that a worldwide, palace-filled love affiar would give me?? In Columbus?? As imaginative as I am, I think I'd have to experience this before I'd actually feel it.

My boyfriend has the opportunity to go to Europe for the whole month of June. And there may be a chance that I can go too. Do I try my hardest to go, ignoring my responsibilites at home? Or do I work on creating this resort life here in Columbus?

Sumthin Like a Hippie

I don't know what I want to do with myself. I could put all my talents in a hat, pick one, and be for sure that I wouldn't want to do that for the rest of my life. I can't really commit to anything past tomorrow. I'm feeling flighty yet grounded.

Once again, I don't know what I want to do with myself. Well..the only thing I'm sure of at this point is that I want to get married. I do have a host of things I know I don't want to do:

1. Focus so much on money
2. Work the majority of time
3. Be so attached to wordly things
4. Be committed to things instead of people
5. Become a corporate/nightlife/working drone

Basically, I want to be a hippie. It's not that I'm anti-establishment. I am a firm believer in rules and order and capitalism. I am just not real big on conforming right now. I think a lof of things are stupid and unneccesary for human living. I don't believe that my life is designed to be this boring and self-centered.

I ask God and the universe for truth and direction. The only person I am concered about disappointing at this point is my future husband. I can't have so many other attachments. Doing what is good for me will in turn be better for my future family and whomever I am supposed to touch in life.

I don't think that my current jobs and commitments are bad. I don't think they are silly and stupid. I just don't think they are for me. Some other person could fall right into these rolls and be successful and sure. I think I am making everyone else unhappy by my wishy-washyness.

In her song, Self-Love, Jaguar Wright says, 'If you don't like your job, why don't you quit, stop being a bitch and love yourself!" I just don't want to be a bitch anymore.

Writing's No Fun

My boyfriend ducks his head in and out of my office, as I drift somewhere between revamping my resume, rubbing my eyes and writing on my blog. He's a musician, and being in his space while he's creating is dimensional and inspiring. He does things with sound that is unexpected and thrilling at times. My BFF is an artist with many mediums. Watching her take raw materials and mold them into three-dimensional pieces is pensive and intense. You can watch tension and release in the way she works and it is, indeed, work.

Writng isn't so fun. Most of the time I need music with no words and lonliness to produce gems. Bystanders disturb my groove and are eventually bored if not put off by my snubs. I don't want to talk. I don't want to hear any other voices but the ones in my head. I want to frown and sulk and moan. Crying is optimal. These emotions I feel, are painted across the sounds of someone else's canvas. The way I stretch and tame my emotions is most effective alone.

Nobody wants to watch a writer write. There is nothing exciting about seeing someone pace, play with their hair and spin in a chair for five minutes until they write two sentences and commence the same process again. Of all the arts, writing must be the most dull to witness. Most of the action occurs in other people's moment, and are distilled in late night cram sessions filling pages with nonsense that are eventually balled up and thrown away. Thank God for computers.

Frustration

My brain is like a ball of rubber bands, tightly wound and being bounced all over someone's office, dropped on someone's floor. It's one blow after another--bank fees have me $400 in the whole, people I owe money to threatening to sue, parents overparenting, my job is drying like concrete around my ankles and people with way less talent (but obviously more drive) are getting ahead. These blows that barrage me, have the same timing, swiftness and impact as they have for the past couple years. Maybe I should get better at being hit.

Part of the reason I believe I am this hamster in the spinning wheel when it comes to my career and money is because I mismanage it so. If I appreciated my "things" more, I'd have more things. Karma is this idea that hippies subscribe to, to explain away the mysteries of God. When in fact, some of the most undeserving, selfish people in the world probably have the most.

As someone who bought a house, has a car, closets full of clothes I don't wear and all sorts of unneccessary goods, i can say that one of my main prayers is to decrease my wants and commitments. I didn't appreciate the hassel-freeness of apartment living, having no car and only myself to feed. To be free to move and be inspired again...

Out of all this frustration, the only thing I really think is at the basis of this is...

A need for expression.

Something real and meaningful. Something shouting and ugly. Something bruised yet accepted.