Instructional Sex Songs

"10, put your hand on my chest, lovingly"

It's R.Kelly's fault. Yeah, I should probably get a shirt that says that. But the more I listen to J. Holiday's Bed, the more I hate R.Kelly. Let me explain.

That staccato drum beat that rattles J. Holiday's breakout hit is slanky and sexy. His voice is fair, and the premise is simple. Without being too crude, J. Holiday describes how a mixture of his pampering and his penis is sure to keep his sex partner drowsy. It's the step-by-step, instructional form of the lyrics that get to me. I don't like songs telling me what to do.

And that's R. Kelly's fault, because his 1993 song, 12 Play, is one of the most infamous instructional sex songs to date. It was a trendsetter. I can remember being a kid, and crowding around the speakers of my boombox, imagining all the crazy ways and positions R.Kelly was mounting his female. He even numbers the steps, making it even easier for you to follow along.

Ever since then R.Kelly, and many, many other R&B singers have been trying to top 12 Play is freakiness and instruction. Are people actually adhering to these instructions, making their love making more pleasurable? I mean, the descriptions in 12 Play are sung so fast, there isn't even enough to time to enjoy the moment. I don't need to hear R. Kelly screaming, "baby, spread your legs apart" in order to know that when I'm alone with a hot throbbing man, that is what I'm supposed to do.

Either these instructional sex songs make it easier for fumbling lovers to make good love, or they are made for the shock value. They are made for cackling women to debate, before sex is even scheduled with a man. Because I can't imagine being turned on by hearing the step-by-step explicit exploits of another person's sexual encounters, over an R&B beat. Now seeing them, that's another thing.

The Instructional Sex Mixtape

1. Bed, J. Holiday

2. 12 Play, R. Kelly

3. 24 Play, Janet Jackson

4. Alone, Jodeci

5. Sex Me (Part 1 & 2), R. Kelly

6. Freak Me, Silk

7. Do Me!, Bell Biv DeVoe

8. Love Scene, Joe

Anymore we can add to the list?