The Chick in the Mirror

Love is a growing evolving thing that has to seep into whatever crevice that is lacking. Love has to have enough stretch and pull to fit over the most impossible holes. Love is more than just what feels right. It's being pliable enough for someone else.

Me, I'm not pliable. Because of previous cats, I've become molded and rigid. I believe that I deserve special consideration because of my past. I haven't worked hard enough on sealing those wounds.

It's like...plungering a toilet that's clogged with shit, toilet paper used to clean up the shit and whatever waste stuffed down into the pipe. It could be shit on top of shit. Or one big shit. It could be all the toilet paper you used to clean up one little shit. It could be something that doesn't even belong in the toilet, that happened to fall in. And the toilet becomes inoperable. Regardless of what is stuck in the toilet, who put it there and who's responsible...somebody's gotta unclog what's stuck and clean up the mess.

The mess, in this case, is jealousy, insecurity and codependency. My mess that has been created and patched up from years of learning about relationships. My interpretation of love has been distorted for reasons that are probably similiar to many 26 year old women. My case is neither unique nor devastating. Just mine.

So what has happened is that I have inflicted these personal, yet distorted beliefs upon another individual with his own set of personal, yet distorted beliefs. We have operated out of the best love that we know. He hasn't seeped into every crevice I needed him to. I haven't stretched far enough to cover his gaps. We've done the best we could with what we got. But it's now time to clean up our own shit.

Because it's spilling out into violence, hurtful words and other indiscretions. Pain can tower over any other emotion when left unchecked. It's as dominate as love, and can impead upon it.

I am in love the best way I can be. With the correct tools and some inadequate ones. I can't look at my partner to be the putty or the glue to hold me together though. I have to do that myself. I have to be constant regardless. Even when hurt. Neither of us are innocent, neither are evil. Both of us are trying.