Dancing Around

I tried to clean my room all night. But the words kept forcing me to stop. And I finally made it into my computer room, but other distraction like MySpace tried to take me away from the way I was really feeling.

My boyfriend suggested to me earlier: why don't I just write out what I'm feeling. And the idea seemed foreign and scary, yet the only thing I know needs to be done. I'm going to do a lot of dancing around this subject, because as i stroke each key I really don't know where to begin. And what to write about. I don't believe in disclaimers, but given that this subject is extremely sensitive and personal, I'll have to say that what I feel now may be an emotion or something said out of anger, and not what is really. For once, I'll go into diary mode and just spill what comes to mind. I guess should start with me.

Presently I feel lonely. I feel abandoned. I feel neglected. I feel silenced by the anger and selfishness of others. I feel right and justified. I love Brandon. No one knows what his love has saved me from. Not even he does. And as long as we both believe that what we have now is nowhere close to what we will have, then I am going to fight for him and with him.

But this has nothing to do with him. It has to do with effective communications. People not knowing how to be respectful, direct and discerning when they speak. My sister, my best friend, my parents. They have all made decisions based on little or no information. I just want someone to listen to me. I don't need and never asked anyone to step in. Just listen and be respectful.

Today I gave up my car, and now I'm at home, alone. I haven't been without a car since college, and even then I didn't really need it. So I have yet to even adjust to this loss. 

My boss at work hates me. She wants to fire me. I barely talk to her and I hate being there. I don't put forth much effort and I don't fit in. I'm sure she's noticed. And the more I am unfocused, the more the case for firing me builds up. I have been physically ill and gaining weight. I am so stressed out. And I feel stressed because I'm not effectively communicating. I hate yelling. I hate when people are insensitive. I just want to be heard. Even if not agreed with.

If I am fired from my job, they won't know what that will do to me. NO ONE understands how their words and actions effect other people. Energy transfers, and as one person "blows off steam" it could be the fire to ignite someone else's rage. 

I am not joyous, yet I am content. I am not satisfied with my current condition, yet I am thankful for everything. For the laughs and the tears. For the aches and pains, and the ecstasy. I've been forced into seclusion many times, for valid reasons. I know I am being prepared for a time where I will be alone, not for lack of understanding, but because of distance. My family, my friends will soften their hearts and be more accepting. 

I just ask for the strength and endurance so that I have my head in the game, instead of letting sadness take over me. I am a shell of my usual self. I pray that God can fill me again.