How Amy Winehouse Changed My Life

" I think maybe your word choice is affecting your thoughts....or maybe vice versa"

--my homie Damon in the midst of one of my freakouts

Or maybe it's my music choice? Because this year has been the most somber, in terms of my emotions. Most of the time I would rather be sulking. Was that Amy Winehouse's fault?

Because ever since her American debut Back To Black entered my life, all of the silver linings of my clouds have been eroded. There is this soulful, yet corrosive underbelly that has developed in me. Everytime I hear Rehab, in spite of the clap-inducing music, the tone is clear. This song is about a chick at the brink of a breakdown.

Even when witty, as on Me and Mr. Jones, Amy Winehouse is dealing with the indifference of her mate. On Tears Dry On My Own, Amy takes the upbeat tone of Ain't No Mountain High Enough, and turns it into a declaration of lonliness. Amy's imagination gets the best of her on Back To Black, where she describes the other woman's wetness on her man's dick. In the video she actually has a funeral for her broken heart. Damn.

I usually can't control myself when I hear Love Is A Losing Game. It embodies just about everything I've felt about love up to this point. And after playing Wake Up Alone over and over again, I had to deal with the reality. I never really had a man who wanted to hold me all night, wake up next to me in the morning. No one who has ever been crazy about crazy me. Or would put their own pride to the side for my love. And on He Can Only Hold Her, the blame goes internal. Maybe it's my own fault, being a distant lover, and I need to address my own commitment issues. I'm only 26. Shit, maybe it's time to let some shit go.

Is it that Amy Winehouse turned me into a drinking, crying, lonely mess? Or is it that I was never comfortable with how emotionally bankrupt I really was until I heard her music? Because before Amy Winehouse, I never allowed myself to mourn over my broken heart. I was a trucker, and trucked on taking blow after debilitating blow. Every man I was dealing with was on the down low. Every love that I was seeking was hidden. But with Amy Winehouse made me confident in my sadness. Her music makes me feel like, it's okay to be feminine and lush with complexity. And sometimes that complexity isn't pretty. But it's real. So this year, I think that I became a lot more up front with myself and my own emotions. And I have to credit a majority of the growth to Amy Winehouse. I just hope she stays alive long enough so that I can see her live.