UnEasy

"I lie awake
I've gone to ground
I'm watching porn
In my hotel dressing gown
Now I dream of you
But I still believe
There's only enough for one in this
Lonely hotel suite
The journey's long
And it feels so bad
I'm thinking back to the last day we had.
Old moon fades into the new
Soon I know I'll be back with you
I'm nearly with you
I'm nearly with you"

Destiny, Zero 7

Here's the truth about this whole dating thing. As of today, I am believing that the love of my life has been wrestled away from me, in a series of unfortunate events. I feel like my needs, which were filled by him, are now barren. I see his complimentary traits dangled in front of my face, yet out of my grasp.

I feel pathetic sometimes, because I’m not as nearly healed from this as I believe I should be.

So all of the talk of dating and settling down that I’ve been doing lately is in vain. Because all of the guys I meet never give me the feeling the dreaded ex did. And if they do give me that feeling, it’s only a cheap duplication.

The lesson I believed that I was learning, is that there are no substitutes for feelings. Because someone or something is taken away from me, I shouldn’t try to replace that loss. I should deal with the loss, cherish my memories, and look for something equally, yet oppositely fulfilling.

However, what has been presented to me is nothingness. There is no filling this void. Or explanation for the void. Or hope that this void will ever be filled again.

The possibility of getting that spark out of life again is gone. Should I be hoping to achieve this spark on my own? I don’t know if I am ready for that level of independence.

I hate not being able to communicate. I hate when things lack clarity. The facts are that the misery I feel today, is just as intense as the day the dreaded ex bailed. It’s debilitating at times, when songs, mere mentions of his name punch me in the stomach. Will that immediate hurt ever go away? And who will want to deal with me in the broken state?

So, the dating game is just that. A game, a time filler that temporarily takes my mind off of my own emptiness. Pouting about it doesn’t help it. Thinking about it is constant. Correcting it is futile. I give the ignorant boys the ignorant shit they want. I get my ear bent off by the ones that need my comfort. And my own growth just deteriorates.