running

two women. one of whom i've never seen. haunt me. everyone insinuates. that i don't want to be like her. i don't even know who she is. maybe i'm too much like her already. maybe it's in my eyes, or the things i say. maybe it's the way i handle things.

i have to admit that my thought process is atypical. my goals and life plans are different from girls my age. i'm not looking to climb some corporate ladder, though i could. i'm not looking to become a mother before i'm a competent woman. many time i sit in my room, just thinking. some could view that as laziness, or depression. the silence is golden to me.

maybe my grandmothers were atypical. they both drank too much. maybe they drunk just as much as i do. maybe they spent a lot of time processing other people's words and moves. maybe they were super sensitive like me.

maybe there were times when the phone rung too much. they were on deadline and had too many things to synchronize. maybe, when they didn't know how to say things, they secluded themselves and didn't say anything. maybe they never told anyone their feelings, and they became so full that alcohol was the only things that flushed them out.

i don't know how much i am like my grandmothers. i am running from their destiny as i try to carve out a little something for my life. i want to be free yet tangiable. i don't like want to be all up in my own head all the time. but it is who i am. maybe i shouldn't run from who i am or try to change who i am destined to be.

i don't know if i am running from their legacies or running into my fate.