scary new orleans

so right now im in new orleans...this city is creepy as fuck. me and my boyfriend damn near got jacked in the french quarter tonite. this is after hearing about people getting killed a couple weeks ago. then the whole vibe here is just eery. people said i would feel it getting off the plane. neverthless, im not going to give up on new orleans yet. tomorrow (during the day) im going to try something cultural...and try not to be freaked out...

advantages

what are the advantages of being me in this time, in this family in 2009? am i using my advantages or waiting for 'what ifs'?

everything

why do we even expect perfection? i know it is good to strive, but do we really expect for everything to be neat at all times? taking that aspect out of all of the equations should solve all the problems right?

i wish i could change my mind. i wish i could flip a switch from avoiding things to wanting to experience things. i wish i wasn't so scared and timid. i wish i wasn't so scared of failure.

i wish i didn't have this need for perfection in order to move forward. i wish other peoples' opinions weren't so crippling.

i need to accept that there is no juggling act in life. you are just managing what's manageable at the time being. the minute you've got control of ups and downs, everything topples over. it's nothing more you can do to prevent being overwhelmingness when it is your time.

i guess the best way to manage it is to realize 1. you are not the only one and 2. it could be worse...i guess that's the best way.

running

two women. one of whom i've never seen. haunt me. everyone insinuates. that i don't want to be like her. i don't even know who she is. maybe i'm too much like her already. maybe it's in my eyes, or the things i say. maybe it's the way i handle things.

i have to admit that my thought process is atypical. my goals and life plans are different from girls my age. i'm not looking to climb some corporate ladder, though i could. i'm not looking to become a mother before i'm a competent woman. many time i sit in my room, just thinking. some could view that as laziness, or depression. the silence is golden to me.

maybe my grandmothers were atypical. they both drank too much. maybe they drunk just as much as i do. maybe they spent a lot of time processing other people's words and moves. maybe they were super sensitive like me.

maybe there were times when the phone rung too much. they were on deadline and had too many things to synchronize. maybe, when they didn't know how to say things, they secluded themselves and didn't say anything. maybe they never told anyone their feelings, and they became so full that alcohol was the only things that flushed them out.

i don't know how much i am like my grandmothers. i am running from their destiny as i try to carve out a little something for my life. i want to be free yet tangiable. i don't like want to be all up in my own head all the time. but it is who i am. maybe i shouldn't run from who i am or try to change who i am destined to be.

i don't know if i am running from their legacies or running into my fate.

xmas isnt so bad...

...it was different...but not bad...i'll be happy to get back to work tomorrow.

sorta alone at christmas

my house is empty. there is a whole buch of food but nobody to eat it all. i've never been so alone on christmas. my parents need their space...and i am giving it to them. everyone is catering to someone else. i wish someone would cater to me.

i am glad i am a christian. i am glad that i have a boyfriend who loves me. i am glad i have a sister who gives me unconditional love. i am glad i have parents who expect so much of me. i am happy with the meal i prepared. it was fun. i don't have any regrets so i'll stop moping on Jesus' birthday.

polite or real

2009 is already setting itself up to be a year of big changes. not just for our country and our world...but for the individual. hapiness is no fleeting, whimsical rhetoric that is only reserved for the lucky and the skinny. it's for me. it's for my family. it's for the hesitant and the reluctant. it's for those settled and those in pain. sometimes those groups of people are the same people.

i am an anticipate of what reality is and what it will bring. reality is unknown and far away. it is like a mountain i've seen in photographs...a rainbow i've only seen on tv. but is in a world that is able to be reached. and i'm searching for it. i am ready to dig into the rugged terrains of my fears, my hopes, my secrets in order to do something that could change my whole life.

i want to remove the word polite from my category. i want to be tactful and real.